Today

Marks my 2 years with CorVel (the company i have been working for) as well as my last day!
How do i feel about this? Hmm.. well I'm scared and excited.

what scares me about all of this?

I will no longer be recieving a bi-weekly paycheck, at least for about 3 months or so and my entire routine is going to change!!! I am such a woman of routine. so for me, change is a bit cumbersome and i loathe it for a while..but then evenutally slip into a rhythm that fits me into a new routine.
How am I going to make $? Lots of jazzercise, dogsitting.. unless i can find a flexible gig that can bring in a steady paycheck.
this is a leap of faith.

what excites me about all of this?

I will be learning!! yay. i love to learn. and not just learn, but put it into practice.
i will be meeting new faces and making new friends building a support system for one another so we can succeed. this is a new concept for me because i do things a lot by myself. i study alone..i play the guitar alone..i read alone..
so this will be a socially awakening challenge... a challenge to rise up and help others and be interested in their lives.

I will be able to play my guitar more and focus on my music. i know it isnt relevent to nursing but this whole season i am entering into is not all about nursing. it's a new season. seasons bring lots of different colored leaves.

so there it is. for now at least...
I will write more about things as they come.

until then, i will be enjoying giovanni's pizza and cake from too-jays ordered for my last day here! :)

The Sound of Silence

Sitting in a place awaiting something
Pleading for a reason to believe
Understanding nothing but deciding
The sound of silence has to be the answer

Because it is
Something of a settling
Within my soul
The beauty and the dwelling
Unraveling a burning curiosity
That brings me back here

Returning to return and I come back
In hopes of some desired accomplishment
Wisdom sitting on my bed awaiting
But still the silence and the candle burns

Because it is

Something of a settling

Within my soul

The beauty and the dwelling

Unraveling a burning curiosity

That brings me back here

The aroma of this all too familiar place
That I created in hopes for something greater
And I don’t know if I will ever find
The answer
Except for silence
The sound of silence

Breathing in the solitude I wonder
If the unresolved remains sacred yet I ponder
What will come
Of this
The sound of silence
In my midst.
I decide within
I decide to trust
I decide I need to just release
And become.
and become

Boeuf Bourguignon

The first word is translated like "Beef" in the English language.

"I love cooking with Julia"
This was one of my favorite vocal warm-ups in highschool womens' choir. Filling the room with our lofty, heady, round voices; we would rise and fall up the scale impersonating Julia. I can do it pretty well actually.
What I can not do is make Boeuf Bourguignon. I'm not even gonna try.

I saw the movie "Julie and Julia" and I looooved it. It inspired me to start cooking..
well, that the fact that i have exceeded my budget in the "eating out" portion.

I make a kick ass Salmon. I discovered that about a week ago.
You must buy wild Salmon though... Coho is wild and is loaded with all the good stuff omega this and that.

These are some recipes I am going to try and make next:

1.Wild Salmon and Potatoe Casserole with Citrus-Herb vinaigrette
2. Fedelini with Tuna and Chickpeas
AND
3. Spiced Pork Tenderloin with Honey Mustard ( and yes i am now eating meat again..)

I'm excited to see how this turns out! Maybe i will discover a new love for being cooking! ehh..

Direction

After spending a little over 7 years in college i have realized how much energy was spent on not being sure.
Endless credit hours spent meandering through possibilities and repeated courses yet realizing i needed a little push.... a bit of a drive... some direction.
Ok, so I have been pursuing nursing for quite some time now. After 2 denials and jumping through the transcript circus hoop I have finally created the push i needed. I had to. No one else could do it for me.
So i finally got accepted into the nursing program! I am really excited. Well I am now. But the space of time between had me back and forth saying to myself, "no i really dont think i can do this... perhaps this isn't the field for me..." or others voices and opinions filling my head stifling any progress.
I'm nervous about money because of changes i need to make here at work. Im nervous about studying and time managment... because it will be a lot and im not really good at managing my study time. I'm nervous about failing. and yes i question everyday whether or not i would make a good nurse. But i guess i won't know until i try. and i think these fears are normal and ok. i just need to manage them and channel them as my drive.
For now im waiting for the nursing department to schedule my classes for the first semester... so im on pins and needles! this is teaching me patience.. and trust. I just wanna know already!
so that is my nursing update for now:) more will come soon.

I am thankful for direction.

Lemon Drops

I wish I had a lemon drop
To taste and savor on my tongue
the sweetness melts the bitterness
And cares fade away

The colorful arrangements seem
Like little hummingbirds to me
Singing little songs for you
And casting them away

Oh lemon drop
Oh lemon drop
I wish I had a lemon drop
If only to be seen or not
For everything I am

Oh lemon drop
Oh lemon drop
I wish I had a lemon drop
To cast my cares
Like lemon drops
and give you some i dare

What if you walked without swinging your arms?

Im gonna try it.

I thought this article was amusing and interesting. i like science and i can read about the human body all day long.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20090728/sc_afp/sciencearmsoffbeat

Didn't think it would take a "trio of specialists and scientist to nail down why we swing our arms when we walk." But im sure relieved that we now have an answer..

I encourage my students from stage all the time to raise their arms up as high as they can on a specific move thats choreographed with arms. I ask them why we do it.... they look at me puzzled and sweaty and miserable growling under their breath... shut the hell up little girl and slow down!

we have a love hate relationship.

some of them answer "because we have to"... then i say yes true... but its the closet thing to our heart so it raises our heart rate faster than any other part of our body. and the move would be really hard to do with out them.

i love arms.

and i love raising them up

and giving hugs

and holding babies

and dancing freely

and flexing strongly

they hold me up

they hold someone else

they raise my heart rate

and swing when i walk

they show my heart

Traveling Mercies

I just got back from a trip to Chattanooga Tennesee. The pictures above are a few from a place called Fall Creek Falls. There is just something about being in the mountains that frees my soul. Everything makes sense in the midst of confusion and crisis. I can best describe it like a lily pad that holds me lightly staying afloat... exactly were I am and where I need to be at that very moment.

I packed really light. 2 pairs of jeans, 3 shirts, and my hippie sandals made in brazil ( i bought them at urban outfitters). I didnt bring my moleskin and i wasnt interested in reading anything at all.. not the Bible not any kind of literature.. I just got on a plane with a carry-on and my purse and no expectations.

I visited a sweet friend. She and I had long talks and delicous healthy food made from scratch ( I am still figuring out how to do this at home). We experienced the serenity that nature brought each of us in our own individual way. We sat in the middle of a flowing creek among pointy rocks with our feet emersed in the cold refreshing water. There were many times that i just closed my eyes to hear all the sounds around me. The water, the wind, the leaves, the crickets.. I was taking it in. I rarely experience this at home and I'm sure that I could...I just dont take enough time. I dont make any time. I worry too much about everything else... everyone else. I worry so much that i dont believe in something that maybe i should. I worry that my spirituality is slowly dying because it has to as a result of inconsistency.

Even though i was sure not to get involved in reading anything spiritual this weekend, small sparks of interest ignited as I was intrigued by a book my friend had been reading called "Further thoughts on Faith" by Anne Lamott. First off, i really really like this author and I love her dread locks. She has and incredibly candid way of expressing her journey and life. She can be extremely reverent and irreverent all in the same breath. She is not afraid to say shit damn or even fuck. I feel more human when I read her story.

Not only do i feel more human but i feel comforted. Comforted by her writings because there is something so liberating when I start to realize that just beccause i have this set of thoughts in my head doesnt mean i am bound to it. Thank goodness. And i am guilty of confining my conflict. I take my spirituality and try it on like a pair of jeans searching for the perfect fit rather than holding it lightly and trusting that its a slow process and slow steps.. that it doesnt have to die and i dont have to be so scared.

I need other's perspectives, others' stories... those who have been through the muck of life and said "fuck it.. I give up..please take over"I also need the ability to glean. Glean from others instad of be threatened by... and their journeys and to be constantly mindful that my journey is mine and so are my beliefs and disbeliefs.

I think its funny that i started to read this book when i did. I was traveling and so was she.

I love pictures, and i love taking them. I especially like the picture above that is of a bridge and the forest. I can go right or left or stay on the bridge. There is an entire experience awaiting and so much i have to learn. It is so symbolic.

So i continue to travel and hope to experience mercy and grace and not be scared of it and it doesn't need to be so much of this horrific and tragic decline of loosing my faith because it feels extremely uncomfortable or blasphemous... instead i would like for it to be as though i am on a lily pad staying afloat exactly where i need to be.

Stardust

Wine meets coffee and beer with assorted muffins and cafe sandwiches. It's eclectic, artsy dark and colorful with a menu written in chalk. i like this coffee shop. A more than tipsy woman reccomended I have wine. She slurred that i was boring when she discovered that i ordered a soy hazelnut latte instead. Maybe next time i will have a glass of wine or a vegan muffin that captured my curiosity.

I met with a friend from not only highschool but middle school as well. We laughed as we reminisced old times and the way we use to look and how silent i was and how we could both relate with a lot of the same things.

I loved talking to her. she is really smart. I like smart people.

I have been scared of different perspectives. Especially if it's not what I am use to, not what I have been accustom to hearing.

The one thing I am not scared of is questions. I ask a lot of them. I have a sincere desire to learn. And i can sincerely admit that i have no earthly idea.

When I was little me and my best friend would watch movies during our summer breaks. She had this ability to sit quietly and patiently throughout the movie without any questions. It was as if she knew and watched with this quiet confidence. I on the other hand was envious of that ability and I found myself restless as the questions began to roll off my tongue. I was interrupting.

"Maybe because she felt she needed to escape. No that's her father's brother's second cousin. You'll see. Melissa, shhhh just watch."

I remember it so clearly. She was so annoyed. hehe.

I carry this into my adulthood. I am hoping it's a little more controlled and not as obtrusive.

Maybe I should stop relying on other people so much for answers and research for myself.

This is my next book i have decided to read:

A Question of Truth: Christianity and Homosexuality by Gareth Moore

sometimes i like to be lost. cause right when i realize i have arrived to a destination...i am reminded that I still have no clue.

i see patterns.

why do i flee so recklessly and fall so quickly. setting myself up for what? trying to be someone or whatever i think i should be..desperate for relief. to be known and to be noticed as such and such because of this or that without the faintest idea in the first place.

an extreme of two realms that bark like dogs. one needs to be killed. one needs to be nurtured. what if i threw them both out. what would happen if i took a chance to search within? a strength inside an unreliable self deeply entangled in struggle? how do i trust that? why is it that i want to be something so quickly? what are my intentions? perhaps a method of obtaining a new identity to replace the one which was lost. to walk on a solid ground and embrace tradition allures me everytime. within me lies deep questioning but the surface offers a different claim. i have an attachment to an outcome. i say this to cover that and before i continue i am wondering why i even said it in the first place. i forget that my heart is broken and instead of sitting still i want a fill. i want to be healed right now. an empty cup seeking to fill another. i ask myself if its real everyday. it makes sense. but then again i am not sure. why can't i be ok with not knowing. its because i need to be something. but silence seems active. its part of the process.

so my blogs wont be self help. or believe this or that. just an invitation of questions.

Sex and the Soul of a Woman

This is the book I'm reading right now. It's very interesting. Very deep. Well i mean it has to be if it's about the soul of a woman. We are complex beauties.

I didn't think i would be able to relate to this. But i can. I am a woman last time i checked. I just dont nessecarily struggle with some of the things explained in the book.. but i can most definitely identify emotionally. I'm a bit different. but not too different. ahaha. im a four so i wanna be! another book- another topic!

Check it out. I will post some excerpts later.

Noise

Above the chaos

Above the fear

Above what feels lost

Above what's clear

I don't wanna hear

what you may want

I dont wanna fear

What you may not

My ability

Is my own....

So im gonna

Drown the noise

Drown the noise

Drown the noise

Still small voice

Still small voice

Be louder

Scream louder

Corrections are

Consuming

Infecting what

What it could be

But here is now

My reality...

I wanna love what is real

Moving forth to find

Myself heal

Believing in what's

Incomparable

Be my spiritual

So i'm gonna

Drown the noise....

But what if loud isnt loud enough

And what if i'm not strong enough

And speculations rise above

What really matters.....

If i believe that love is tough

And risking takes a movement of trust

So I will move

And that's what really matters...

So i'm gonna drown all of this noise

Give me your sweet still small voice

I love Yoga so much

I love what i learn and i love continuing to learn. It builds so much strength and focus and inner peace. Some poses are very hard and some come a little natural.

The picture to the left is the dancer pose. I really like that one.

If you ever want a kick butt yoga experience you should visit Guruv Yoga in Lake Mary. Its the most amazing place ever. :) The instructors are incredibly knowledgable and skilled. Not to mention super nice and they really care about you and your practice.

www.guruvyoga.com

Tree Hugger

Ok so this isn't me, but i can not say that i haven't hugged a tree. The proof is in these ridiculous pictures i found at my mom's house.

I just needed a DVD...really quick, just a drop in. Of course everytime i go to my mom's it's never really quick and it's never just a drop in.

As i was walking in i caught a glimpse of an album on the top shelf in the garage. Ah, i'll explore later. Right now I am on a mission to get what I came for and make a run for it. haha.

My curiosity far exceeded my need to be speedy so of course before I went along my merry way i had to take a look. I had to see which album this was. I was hoping it would be one of all of us when we were little cause i love to reminisce old childhood memories. That is what i was hoping for however I had a strong sense that i was wrong. Well I was. Nonetheless, I was still going to look through it. I got up on my tippy toes, stretched out my arms and grabbed the album, careful not to let it fall on my head. Yes indeed they were. Old memories. Well it doesnt matter what those pictures were. But among them i did find a picture of me.. well haha 4 pictures of me hugging a tree in different poses. Oh my gosh. Why? I love nature. Period. My hair was braided with beads from a trip I had just taken. I had braces too.

Recall back to your favorite childhood memory... or even your favorite recent memory. Where were you? what were you doing? what mattered to you or what didn't?

I began to think of how my life was so different back then, how things have changed drastically throughout the course of the years. Beliefs, attitudes, priorities...just to name a few. Then i thought of my story, our stories as humans and how these stories are written.

This really amazing woman asked me if my story was written by me or if it was written by God.

Oh. Well that got me thinking. I don't really answer questions very quickly. It takes me time cause i think a lot. In my head i thought, well shoot, I think i write it just because i've made such a mess of it. Hmm... but then i kept thinking. Words like beauty and desire started interlacing within my contradicting thoughts, and purpose and testimony.. and others.

Ok i was ready to answer. God did. He wrote. He is writing it. I sighed deeply. There you go. That's my final answer.

I thought of how even as little people He put desires within us like tree hugging and singing and longings that are real and are supposed to make there way back to Him...that way we can have something called a Sacred Romance. A what? I always thought that was only possible between two people in love. I think it still is and when right it represents this big umbrella that brings this whole relationship with us and Him together.

But somewhere along the way it get's a little mixed up and a bit sidetracked. I am figuring it out. Desires are filled by everything but Him. Deception makes it's sneaky way into our heads. It's a difficult struggle...like a tug of war of ambivalence...a battle between should and want.

I ask myself how on earth is it possible to re-route these desires so they link to Him? Oh geez... i am not sure. Maybe praying some will help. Writing it down... possibly. People. of course. I love learning from people that know way more than me. maybe i should hug a tree again...different age, different season in my life, better now than before. and it keeps going.

I don't know

I don't know what to do about school!!!

Head Stand

So i just did a tripod head stand in my living room. I anchored my arms down to the floor.. said hello to the earth, placed my forehead onto the carpet, and bent my elbows at a 90 degree angle. In my head I was trying to remember the proper form i've been taught. Steady breathing strong core...steady...
I brought my knees up one at a time and placed them just on the outside of my triceps. Ok..stance is ready up we go. My legs went up! ha! and no one was there to spot me! I held it up there for like 40 seconds! Strong and steady. I did it again after because i was so incredibly enthused with the fact that i just did it all by myself and then I fell forward. I landed right on my booty sinking right into a pose with my knees bent back the way children sit while they play video games.
I faced my fear in the face. I have a fear of falling and breaking my neck. I have a fear of heights too. So stairs with big gaps of open air in between them freak me out like whoa.

I feel strong today. I feel like each day is another day to be thankful. Thankful for the opportunity to build...to grow... to learn to do.
Its a discipline for sure. I have never been this disciplined ever. Maybe i should transfer this method to other areas of my life (i.e school). hmm. Maybe if i would have attempted to make discipline a priority in my life like way sooner things would be different.
Well, like my mom says; "you can't what if your way through life.. you just gotta try" Sometimes its a steady discipline. Sometimes its not. Sometimes i fail.. sometimes apathy becomes my best friend. But i guess my most recent discovery has been when I am consistent in whatever it is I do, I develope a strength I never thought I could obtain. Kinda like that really super smart girl in my 9th grade English class who always seemed to get A's on everything. She studied. Or like being able to contribute to a disscusion because I read the book.

I had breakfast with my friend this morning and we talked about devastation and fear. She shared with me her fear of failure, her fear of rejection...devastation. I told her i fear it too. But what is better; to stay in the unknown confusion for what seems to be an eternity just to keep yourself "safe".. protect yourself from falling or failing? I then shared that there is a very interesting difference that i have distinguished through some of my own experiences over time. I divided this difference into two catagories. One, being preocupied with the thought of these things happening and two, it becoming a reality. Devastion, rejection, loss. I continued by saying that it really is crazy how I think in my head that i couldn't possibly be able to endure any of the above and that my fear of loss or rejection alone seemed all too excruciating to handle.
But then it actually happens and when it happens, you can't believe it at first. But for some reason it's bearable.
I guess that is what it feels like to be held. The bottom of the barrel is gone and you are standing above it, but you hope He has you. And when you fall it's part of the practice. It's just so good to know that we can approach our lives in freedom and not fear. Being aware is good and extremely important as it helps us acknowledge the weakness of our flesh... but i love that concept.

Moleskine

More of an electronic moleskine. I write a lot in my moleskine.

As I sat outside this morning i began to think of spiritual things. I didnt care that it was humid outside. It was a nice change compared to the freezing 65 degree temperature in this office. Why the hell do they keep it so cold in here? Plus I took pleasure in the light breeze that brought some relief to the thick air. It was really nice.

So as i sat there, I pondered and contimplated about Jesus. I do this a lot. In fact all the time. Its like this whirlwind of desire and questions and second guesses.
I feel hypocritical thinking about Him as my life has been a consistant inconsistant mess of wishy washiness if you will.... but then my friend told me that i wasn't alone in this feeling and that she felt it too. That brought me a lot of comfort because I truly isolate so much of my issues that i cant see the forest through the trees. Hello Melissa, there is much more out there. Much more to be concerned about. Much more to be pro active about. Pro active. Thats right. Don't sit there. Do something. Help someone. Be something TO someone. Smile and dance.

Ok so back to my contimpaltions of Jesus.
Lately I have really been struggling with how I should go about Him in my life. I have tried to forget Him. But I cant. I thought maybe if i started to research how NOT to believe in Him that maybe just maybe I can find something new to believe in. Something fresh. Something like universal. I tend to be a hippie at heart so this idea was alluring and rebellious and well of course different. I want to be different. But ironically its not really all that different. And I figured out that it continues to NOT be mine. I have a tendency to take on others' beliefs and make them my own.. Their lack of or passion. The difference this time around is i have this insatiable desire to make what I believe my own, for once. I am 27 and I will be 28 in 3 months. What am I doing with my life?

I have been going back and forth and back again with little to no progress thinking that i should question my faith. And trust me, I have. Why do I believe in God? What does it mean to be a "Christian". So the Bible says this about fill in the blank... why does it make that true? There was a wee bit of a moment in time not too long ago that i was praying for God to increase my belief and for me to know what not to believe. Waving my hands in the air and clenching my jaw, I asked Him very specific questions demanding answers. I would not move forward until he gave me answers. He revealed a very sweet and simple thing to me.. to just walk. But i didnt give it that much time at all. I walked for a bit. Then i was like what is this anyways? I dont like this"just walk" deal man.

So today i asked myself; Is this real? Or is this all just a fraud. This whole time?? Can I truly trust my motivation behind my pursuit of Jesus? Am i going to say to myself in the end that i really didn't care?

I never have given myself enough time to really trust myself and my belief. I think Im going to start doing that today. And then tomorrow I will do it again.
Yesterday as I caught up with a friend on the phone, I said to her that I believe because I do. I don't have this solid incredibly brilliant and logical argument in place. I believe because I can. And because He is mine and I am His. Because he has faith in me and I want to have faith in Him.
This is all I know at this very point in my life. I have no theoligical argument at least right now.

A song I wrote

And i cry
And i wait

But waving my hands profusley

Ill be patient
Being Still

Like you say...

Sure as nothing
in my doubt

Am i on my own?

Should it be
Up to me to decide?

So maybe you'll help me
But asking is getting
a little old

Chorus:

I get so stuck
I get so stuck

In my head
In my head


Hear me out
Are you hear?

Or left to my own devices?

Of a mind
So inclined
So predisposed

Chasing from
What i've thought

A proverbial tail

Bringing me
to really
Wonder why


So maybe youll help me
but asking is getting
a little old

(back to chorus)

Bridge:

Why do i have to ask?
Why cant i just choose?
Live in such a way
Where failure doesnt mean i loose..

But i get sooo stuck.

Get me out
Get me out

Out of my head