Adele Crazy For You BBC Radio 6

oh ya girl, sing it.

a song. a process. she.

Prophylaxis

I get it! I can understand what i'm reading!
Second time around perhaps is the charm?
Or is it because i took a shot of vitamins this morning?
I am prophylactically treating myself with a power house of vitamins since all the signs and symptoms of a cold are manifesting trying to attack this host. Not a chance i say. Well i think it's working. And i think one of the side affects is hyperfocus-sation. haha.

what am i thinking these days? besides school and anxiously anticipating the end of this bloody semester (no pun intended) my thoughts often are occupied with things such as life and learning and how to get through. what seasons bring and what seasons take and what to do in between.

in between.


i love what Emily Dickinson says.."Where thou art, that is home"

even if its an unsettling place? an emotionally challenging adventure? A painful process of learning a lot about oneself... and finding yourself shouting back to the Universe.. OK! i get it! alright.

Or..i don't get it..

I was also reminded of this verse today. it just popped in my head. I love the bible among other pieces of literature for it's poetic and profound writings that truly do bring comfort. to me at least.

I've been thinking about time. so of course this verse i pursued.

Ecclesiastes 3
"For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:
a time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
a time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
a time to seek, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
a time to tear, and a time to sew;
a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
a time to love, and a time to hate;
a time for war, and a time for peace. "


i think of time as life.. not just giving life time..but giving time LIFE.
so that maybe our soul can... like Dickinson also writes; " stand ajar, ready to welcome the ecstatic experience.

Refrigerator

Something I read.

Because i love to read. and i intentionally search for nuggets of wisdom that resonate and remind me of beautiful things. If it really sticks i must write it down. An index card will do. Then slap it on my wall. Food for the soul.

I found this and i thought it was a sweet little reminder.
Sometimes its simple. And usually the simple is simply profound.

I flipped back in my journal to 10/27/2010 at approximately 8:14 am. haha. I record everything..

I wrote this:

avoid FEAR- False evidence that appears real.
keep a journal- (i think i've got this down) :)
Be impeccable with your words.- words are powerful.
Do not assume you understand another's motivations or reasons.
Don't take it personally.
Do your best.
Believe little of what you hear and 50% of what you read (so half of what i say on this blog is bullshit. haha! ) the other half hide in your heart ;)
Do your research!
Know the difference between spontaneous and impulsive. hmmm. yes.
Find at least one wise friend. The requirement is that he or she must be 30 or more years older.
I have one.. and i don't know if she reads my blogs.. but Linda Montgomery, you are her. :)
thank you for your words of wonderfulness. they bring me so much freedom to be exactly who i am :)

A dream and things

My mind has been preoccupied with so many things. It's been hard to wrap my brain around all of these medications I need to know for my pharmacology test on Friday. All the words jumble together. Carvi..levado..valiu...pro..cardiz..arp..pril. so i gave up studying yesterday. I will attempt to try again today. hopefully with a clearer mind.

it's crazy how this rollercoaster of life and emotions rises and falls. I was on a roll with school and studying. writing about giving what you do worth and passion...then i hit a brick wall and find myself not giving two shits.
i was telling my mom that yesterday evening. She said it was normal. A part of life.
I guess that's why we appreciate things then. because it takes a season of meddling through a bit of apathy on our part to then become something of worth. I wouldn't know otherwise.

So i had this crazy lucid dream last night about my grandfather. I call him Papa.
Have you ever had a dream to then wake up the next morning heavy hearted? oh ya...i'm sure. Good or bad.. or what the hell was that about?! Yup.

Loss has been on my mind lately. A dear friend of mine past away last week. He battled cancer and fought the good fight.. now he is resting.
I have been thinking about him a lot lately. Which has also reminded me of my Papa.
He, along with my grandmother (who I call Tuti) have been at the nursing home facility for several years now. I have witness their deterioration over time. I have purposely avoided them for a while and then more recently have been very much involved in their care, and now i have stepped back again because my mom hired someone to be their caregiver. I think that was better. Maybe. I go back and forth.
Anyways.. it hasn't really hit me until now. Moreso my Papa.
A man who once was full of life. The life of the party. He would talk to anyone anywhere, make friends with perfect strangers. Fart and be rude and make us laugh...take me and my brother on field trips to the Orlando airport just to watch people walk by.
Now bound to a wheel chair.. prisoner of pressure ulcers taking over his frail body.

Last night I had a dream that i was walking (not sure where) but out of no where, Papa came along side me.. walking, strong, younger. He was wearing white pants and a vividly green shirt with a pair of brown snake skin boots. He actually wore things like that when he was younger.
it was surreal.

Then i woke up. My mind stricken with the reality of death and dying and loosing someone dear.
I have no idea how to really process the dying process.. or what I should do. We learn theories and the grief process in nursing but you never really know when it's your family, or someone dear.

I guess all i can do is go visit him.

Dear John

i dedicate this blog entry to you.
i have no words to articulate.
i have no clue what to say.
but your life is and will continue to be celebrated.

you have inspired so many.
the teacher of the ultimate fight.
life.
you have inspired me.

Cat.
I love you.
you are amazing.
strong.
brave.
incredible.
and i just want to give you a huge hug.

I'm sitting here in the hallway at school. On the floor. Exhausted, but surprisingly rejuvenated! We have a break and I'm taking advantage of this time to decompress. I'm liking this. The first half of my day was demonstrating trach suctioning and cleaning. Then we had this simulation. A unrehearsed scenerio. I'm the nurse...and GO. Like a performance. and I like to perform.

Things are making sense. They're comin together. Light bulbs are flashing!

What I've learned these past few weeks is that i have to give worth to what I do. I may not want to do it.. and it's hard work.. but when I give it my worth, my time, my care, my effort, and responsibility the outcome has been so successful. Really and truly.

Nursing 2 is ALMOST over.. and i can not wait until these next 4 weeks are over.

Act as if....

You are great.

You are capable.

You are incredibly valuable.

What you are doing matters.

Here is now. Not tomorrow or yesterday.

I have another 4 hrs to go. I can't look beyond this semester... even though i get so carried away and worry about what's next. All i can focus on is these next 4 hrs. Kind of like our simulation. What you do that very moment with your patient is the focus. Then re-assess. Again and again.

Amy Steinberg "Exactly"

When I'm inspired by music, I have to share. This is a great song.. Listen to the lyrics and I hope it brings you encouragement :)

It does for me ...everytime.

Journal on Pavement

I teach aerobics. I love yoga. But there is nothing like running.

Nothing clears your head like a good, hard run.

It's empowering.

Today I was reminded of this:

It's like a journal on pavement..

broke... I run

happy...I run

sad...I run

frustrated...I run

want control in my life...I run

want sexier legs..I RUN! haha

I'm a woman, what can i say.

I forget how much i need to do this.

So i'm going to keep doing it.

Because of You

I have been moved.. moved by this disease. Moved by the person who is fighing it... moved by what i see at the hospital. Moved my an amazing wife..an amazing story.

so much that i really think i want to be an oncology nurse.
i had this pressing feeling come over me last week.. a prompting. something i simply can't ignore.

i want to help celebrate a life.. to walk alongside..to care for and cry with..

Because of you I am inspired to be a nurse.

It's called the Ocean

this is becoming a favorite place
where the sand is purifying
where the wind is grace

i get so lost in the white and blue
the rays peak out provoking something new

it's called the ocean
where troubles fade
it's called the ocean
cast your cares away
and the horizon seems to have no end
it's called the ocean
i think this is heaven


this ocean brings
healing
this ocean brings
new meaning
encapsulating
doubt it fades
when i'm here
when i'm here

~this song was inspired by my adventure to the beach today.

nature is my spiritual...

The waiting area and a plethora of thoughts

It seriously takes like a day to recover from a full 12 hour clinical day at the hospital. I tell myself every week, "i'll just switch out these scrubs for some shorts and go for an invigorating run, or perhaps some relaxing hatha yoga." and every week it doesn't happen. I am so exhausted i can't even think straight. Will i always be this tired? Will my body get use to this? This won't last forever right? This is just part of school..
Maybe a paycheck will change things..

Then my roommate comes home from her shift. We talk and catch eachother up on our days.. then there is silence. She's out.
She's been a nurse for 6 years. ha. oh dear.

It's the days in between you try to recover from a long shift to then do it all over again the next day.. I guess that's life.

Today i taught 2 classes. You know, i take for granted the fact that i am a part of an amazing studio with wonderful women and a team of instructors. It's taken me 10 years to appreciate it. I'm sure that's due to the fact that the business has been a part of our family for so long. Well, as i get older i see things a little differently. It's a great place to be. I am thankful my mom has passed that down. Not so much the business but the atmosphere, the exposure.

When I am not teaching a jazzercise class, I sit with the women in the waiting area and just watch them. I get this thrill in just observing others. I listen to what the have to say.... converstations all consisting of their husbands or children, lot's about work, some about dates they've been on, or how they've lost a bunch of weight and then gained it all back.
But today there was one specific topic. Depression. Sometimes people are just depressed. It effects so much and so much about them is effected by it.
So as i was listening, i of course thought... jeez, i wish i could have credentials behind my name so i can help women emotionally with these types of issues.
make it a part of my career somehow.

Nursing and Psychology. hmm. now there's an idea. Wait, but i want to eventually teach. Or do I? How long am I going to be in school?
I've been on this kick of questioning whether or not i should be a nurse. It's been a tail spin of thoughts and possible scenerios. and i seriously feel like i have to make a decision everyday about it. I'm not the quickest thinker.. and damn these tests of "what is the best or first or most appropriate action" is a killer. Can't we just figure out when we start working?!
but you know, pass or fail, i know more today then i did yesterday.

So back to the ladies at jazzercise. One of them walked in to take my class, and she happens to be a nurse. 17 years ago she went to valencia. And she had Mrs Forehand!!! who so happens to be the unforgettably acclaimed and highly respected nursing 2 professor. Watch out.

Well anyways, she told me.. i remember Melissa. like it was yesterday. The early mornings, the nausea in my stomach, the nutri-grain bars (she can't eat them to this day), the smell of Liz Claiborne "sunflowers" parfume (which she also can't wear to this day). The semester i moved home cause i couldn't afford a damn thing.. (boy does that sound familiar)
You'll get through it.
17 years ago...

I guess that's the answer..
Through.
Robert Frost says something about that... "The only way out is through."

Balance

I love this picture.

Being that i love yoga, the human body and desire to live in balance this picture encompasses these things..

balance. it takes strength.
it takes consistancy.
requires patience.
and eachother.

it's an inhalation of intention and an exhalation of surrender.

it's a clean car. especially mine since it's usually a mess.
it's budgeting when you actually have money to budget.
it's simplicity.

it's living in tension. do you think balance is always comfortable? hmm. probably not most of the time.
but it leads to peace. and that path usually is accompanied with detours and pauses or steps back or something completely unexpected. perhaps a season of question in itself.
it's the peace that passeth all understanding.
although questioning is good.. and teaches.. and changes, there are some questions that i should probably stop asking.

i just really like that feeling of surrender. this year has taught me that.
to live in balance for me is to let go.. but balance is also living. living means every moment. every encounter. every person.

you know what balance feels like?
for me at least.

There is/was a plan.
That plan didn't go according to plan.
from my experience there are many different outcomes this can take..
but somehow balance comes in... personifies itself in my life.
and the sun still shines. the wind still blows. the trees remain rooted.
life keeps going. and goodness and joy find me.

but i have to allow it. i have to open myself up to it. change my perspective and invite the change that change brings.

balance is one day at a time.
so today i pray for balance. i pray for the peace that passeth all understanding. everything else is in tomorrows' hands.

The Best of Jackass

Ha. these dudes are insane. and funny.

paracentesis

Today at the hospital i had the opportunity to go with my patient down to radiology for a paracentesis. I had never seen this done before so i was excited to observe and assist.

They were able to withdraw over 5,ooo ml of fluid straight from his abdomen.

What exactly is a paracentesis?

"Paracentesis is a procedure to take out fluid that has accumulated in the peritoneal area. This build up is called ascites. Ascites can be caused by infection, inflammation, an injury or other conditions such as cirrhosis or cancer. " webmd.com

The procedure i observed was almost identical to this video.

Lovers Song

inspired by two people in love. :)

your the sprinkles of

goodness in my life

your companion your joy

you lighten my heart

you are really smart

you are laughter and tears

you are missed when your

not around but

it makes seeing you more sweet

you are different but

not so different and

your mystery captivates me

so let's do this thing

like forever and

teach eachother about life and love

Mistakes

this weekend was special, bittersweet, and of course thought provoking. adventure has a way of summoning thoughts.

changing them. changing you. creating them.

creating.

my dear sweet friend is getting married.

the dress..the most beautiful dreamy dress was fitted. and it was just that... dreamy and beautiful.

so we had this little adventure of a trip. we always make it an adventure. i love adventures with her.

there is something about traveling.. whether the distance be long or short, there is so much to gain and experience when you go somewhere.

I remember as a little girl having this deep longing to travel. i would play pretend that i was in a movie on this amazing expedition and becoming something because of it.

i can't really say there are specific places i have to see.. but all i know is i want to see.

every single time, without fail, there is this "journey" theme almost like a default that pops in my head. a trip is a journey. a trip evokes. it's an escape but it's also a reminder.

i was reminded of a lot.

love.

life.

mistakes.

they seem to interlace with one another.

my sister has this book on her night stand. everytime i come over i see it, i contimplate opening it, reading it, but its so cumbersome and big i just leave it right there and then walk away. but this last time i decided to peek inside.

the book is called "Drops like Stars" by Rob Bell. I like him. I've read all of his books, except for this one.

there's this one section called "The Art of Failure"

hmm. ok, i continue reading.

he talks about failure giving us the opportunity to become:

bitter or better

closed or open

more ignorant or more aware

more or less tuned in to the thousands upon thousands of gifts we are surrounded with every single moment of every single day.

and so it goes. this trip of course reminded me of this. whether it be in love, relationships, a former way of being, believing and living.

i've made a lot of mistakes. and it's very difficult a lot of times to move beyond the thoughts of; damn it..what the fleep was i thinking? why did i do that? why did i say that? why did i hurt them? i should have.. or may i could have...but i didn't.

we give other's grace but we forget to give that to ourselves. and when you don't you get stuck. stuck in something that keeps you from learning and living. LIVING... because its the only way to learn.

her dress reminded me of beginning." Let love begin again."

i heard that in church a couple of weeks ago.

during our time in St. Pete, which is a town I absolutely love and am very tempted to move to, we stumbled across a folk festival. we were all over this like white on rice.

above are some pictures of art from the festival that of course captured my attention.

The Rapid Head-to-Toe Assessment Song

I've been taking some practice tests online for school and came across this video on physical assessments. ha! this is great. i chuckled out loud at one point too!

What a great way to learn! Put it in a song!

Mom

Thanks for calming me down.

You have a way of making the big things smaller things.

Thanks for being so solid and consistant. you are so strong and i don't know how you do it.

Thanks for being so generous. you give more than i have ever seen in anyone.

You don't give up, you stick it out.

Thank you for being an example.

I- Love- You.

All she wanted..

Clinicals are, well, not as exciting as i anticipated this term. I mean we're only into the third week so anything could happen..

I guess I am so used to my teacher last term. The breath of fire constantly breathing down my back, the structured militant schedule, the unrealistic expectations and nothing less, stress and tension.. but I learned so much and in the end it was pressure that was necessary. Sometimes we need to be broken down. It brings out the truth and it certainly makes you think about things differently.. it is just what it is.

But I'm kind of bored now. Don't get me wrong, its nice to have a break from harsh words, stress and tension. One can only take so much.
I just feel like I should be doing more.. something more exciting and more thrilling than cleaning poop. I can't even begin to tell you how much poop i have encountered these past few weeks. It's part of the job... yes.. and I do it. But i want to do more!!
I did a physical assessment. I gave them a bath. I lathered up their feet with lotions and potions. I took their vitals.

I walked into each and every room on the unit, I asked each patient if they needed anything.. another bath..food.. water.. anything. i just wanted to stay busy.

then i walked into this woman's room. 3606. End stage renal disease. Diabetes. Hypertension. and one diagnosis not documented.. Lonely.
I introduced myself to her and told her who I was and why I was there. She didnt speak any English. Just Spanish. So my bilingual skills were put to the test.. my bilingual LISTENING skills that is..
I didn't talk much.
I didn't need to..

I just needed to stand there. And I did.
She unleashed. Words overlapping eachother.. barely breathing in between sentences. She spoke with such emotion and purpose. She wanted to be heard..
The reality of her words surfaced her hidden tears. It was all coming out..
She clearly felt alone.

I thought, maybe she'll have a cath I can asses or pull out. Maybe she might want a bath. Maybe she wants me to take her tray of food..
No. She said she eats "poco a poco" a little at a time. Preoccupied with the fact that she just had insulin she wanted to do things right.
But mostly she needed someone to just be there. to stand there. to listen.
All she wanted was someone to listen.

instead I wanted a treatment a procedure.

and maybe next week i will have a treatment or procedure.. then i'll wish i had her to talk to. ha.
everyone has something to teach..
you think you are there to treat and teach them but in the end they end up teaching you. moving you to tears... getting you to think about something other than yourself..
and trust me, i need that. something other than... "fill in the blank"

makes me think of life.. and how things just are and they go on. and people teach you so much along the way.
"Each contact with a human being is so rare, so precious, one should preserve it." ~Anais Nin

thank you to the woman in 3606. i hope she feels better.

Good Morning Thursday

a prayer from my journal this morning...

Good morning Thursday. Thank you for another day, another breath, another song, another opportunity to seek and experience joy.

Thank you for being broke.. and may I be taught responsibility and faith and hard work.

Help me to continue to look straight ahead, but not too far that I get distracted from where I am at right now.

Whether I am doing yoga, reading, working at the hospital, teaching, being still; wherever I am may i relish in that moment.

May I soak in accomplishment, not worrying so much about what I can't control.

May I open myself and allow the universe to take over, flood in and teach me what I need to learn.

"May the sunshine called joy be my faithful companion."

Pneumonia

You want to learn something? I do too.. come on this nursing school journey with me and lets learn stuff. :)

Not only is it important for me to know this information to make a good grade and pass nursing school..but most importantly and this is why I am doing this; To be educated to treat as well as educate any readers. Prevention.

That word sums up a lot of what nurses do. Yes we care, and that is a huge component.. but we don't want you to get sicker than you already are!

So I'm learning about respiratory disorders right now in school. This topic is so critical for nurses because so many patients (of all ages) are admitted or develope this respiratory infection that if left untreated can be fatal.

Pneumonia.

What is it?

Pnemonia is an inflammation of the lung parenchyma caused by various microorganisms that include mycobacteria, fungi and viruses. Pneumonitis is a more general term that describes the inflammatory process within the lung tissue that places the patient at risk for a microbial invasion.

Pneumonia and influenza are the most common cause of death from infectious diseases in th US! Accounting for nearly 60,000 deaths. So ya... we need to be on our toes with this.

You may know of someone who has had this. I had chronic pneumonia as a child.

There are 2 types of pneumonia: Community- aquired (CAP) or Hospital-aquired (HAP)

Community of course just as it is worded is aquired within the community setting. If severity and complication developes then the patient is hospitalized. More than 915,000 cases develope in adults 65 and older. Also influenza is a type of CAP that frequently affects the elderly or those with comorbid illnesses (COPD, alchoholism, diabetes mellitus) as well as those who are immunocompromised.

The other type HAP also known as nosocomial pneumonia is defined as the onset of symptoms more than 48 hrs after hospital admission in patients with no evidence of pre-exisiting infection. So how does a patient develope pneumonia in the hospital?

Prolonged supine (flat) positioning in a hospital bed, aspiration (fluid content from the stomach coming back up) prolonged hospitalization which allows for bacteria to invade an already impaired host, hypotension (low blood pressure),metabolic disorders, and malnutrition. Oh, and lets not forget...immobility. thats huge. If a patient does not simply move to walk they are at risk for atelectasis which is a collapse of the aveoli which can lead to serious respiratory distress.

The list continues...

So now what am I as a nurse going to do about this?

Assessment is crucial. The patient may demonstrate symptoms such as fever, chills, night sweats, pleuritic- type pain (plueral space within the lining of the lungs), fatigue, weight loss, tachypnea (rapid breathing) coughing and purulent sputum (mucus thats infected and discolored)

Upon assessing and confirming these findings, being sure that the patient has a patent airway, the head of the bed is elevated to at least 30 degrees, administration of prescribed medication and analgesics (pain reducers) to promote comfort, enforce liquids and proper nutrition as protocol.

Have you ever been hospitalized? Do you remember that doo-hickey on the side of your bed that you use to inhale?

That's called an incentive spirometer. That is a huge preventative measure for atelectasis and pneumonia. Suck in air into that baby 10 times every hour while awake!

so there is a little insight into a nurses responsibility with this specific illness.

Stay healthy!

'Eat, Pray, Love' James Taylor

eat, pray, love. i loved this movie. it was just like the book. and i actually read the book.

i can so relate.

i have a really hard time stilling my mind. letting go.

externally i seem somewhat calm but my mind is racing.. racing with things i simply have no control over.

i love this scene.

Kirk Franklin - Imagine Me

I love music.

It's Sunday. I was flippin though the radio stations this morning and decided to listen to Gospel Jams! haha. that is one thing, i will always love me some good soulful gospel music. this song was playing at that very moment. This was a song that brought me great comfort some years back and it still resonates today.

Enjoy..

Some thoughts on this word- Salvation.

So i looked up images for "salvation" and all that came up were pictures of robots and what seemed to be scenes from the movie Terminator. So i'll just have to use my imagination on this one here .

While I was eating some spanish rice and hummus, the trail of thoughts began which led me to this word- salvation.
What thoughts were in this meandering trail? Well i was thinking of people being good and doing good things and how that began and who set the examples before us.
All of a sudden I came to an enlightening hault. Salvation.

What comes to mind when you think of salvation?

Being preserved from harm. Security. Deliverance from the power and penalty of sin. Redemption. Saving a soul from an eternity of damnation. walking down an isle and accepting Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior to then realize later on in life like Langston Hughes, you did it because of peer pressure- or because the pastor prayed that you would get a flat tire on the way home so you would be convicted of your need for salvation (true story).

My mind- and this is my mind of course.. " of a mind so predisposed" to thinking about this within the christian context.

because i am deeply spiritual i have discovered that one can cross over boundaries.. your mind can go beyond the confines. and i love that.... i absolutely love that.

so when i thought of this word my thoughts led me to: "well, i don't want to say hey people i don't really care for the defintion of salvation; but more of- how can this word be thought of differently? what can we add to it? is that ok? i think so..

Can salvation be like a teacher? a great teacher.. who sets exceptional examples of love and goodness and learning. Jesus, Anne Lamot, Liz Gilbert, Vicky Taylor, Bhagavad Gita.
A parent/ parents? raising their children desiring to keep them from harm.
A pet? a dog that loves unconditionally.
A firefighter who really saves you from the fire!
A friend? even a broken heart?

it's because of these things-these people, we learn and love and learn to love better and develope into good human beings.

Tis a Gift

Tis a gift to receive a gift and a gift to give one.~me

both parties benefit. both being overflowed with joy watching one anothers' reaction. you can't help but revel.

A Gift...

pre- meditated. thought provoking. because you love them. preperation. spontaneity. creativity. knowing. helping. just because. expression. unexpected. special. healing.

so many different facets of a gift. as well as the facets of a gift giver. why do we give?

because its an expression of ourselves? because we want someone to know we care and we know the things that they like. or because its a way to communicate something that words can't always express. because they are sick and giving a gift brings light and life to their body and heart.

here's an example; so this picture is a gift i just got this week from my new roommate Rachel.

she went to this home goods store and came across this little wooden painting. her exact words "Melissa.. i HAD to get this.. it just reminded me of you sitting and meditating, like you love to do. and i know you love yoga."

She was right. i absolutely loved it. She gave me the gift but we both squeeled like school girls with excitement because it was perfect and she knew it too.

the colors match the walls and my side tables.. the picture brings everything in my room together!

there is another element to giving that is also cool.

mystery.

when you give something.. like your clothes and you have no idea who is going to wear it but someone will. someone will be clothed because of you.

then there is a the gift of presence. and i think this is the most powerful of all.

The gift of you. Yourself. Just being there.

that's huge and we often forget that.

Better People, India Arie

Love love India Arie. Her lyrics are simply profound and empowering.

I'm going to miss this place.

Grassy Point, you will be missed. It is this very spot, however, that I will miss the most. Many contemplative moments where spent here. It was this lake where sorrows were plunged and joy was picked up. Songs were written, prayers were prayed...

I am moving yet again.

I am excited and I am sad. Sad because i will miss living with my roommate who has become like a sister to me. The laughs, the sillyness, the deep conversations, the hugs, the shared tears..the dance competitions and the fights over who will take out the trash. haha. I love you Jess.

Packing.

I don't know about you but there is something that always comes over me when I stand, wiping my brow, sneezing out the last remnants of dust particles.. looking around at the pool of boxes. I always cry.

Why?

These boxes are reminding me of this..

The past and the future. My thoughts are trapped in these two places. Always.

So as I ask myself many times.. "Melissa, what can you learn?" Because everything has meaning..everything is spiritual.

I want to be excited. I don't want to focus too much on being fearful of what may or may not happen. I want to look back and smile but not dwell. I want to have a spirit of contentment right now. Here, at this very moment, in the midst of packed boxes and the rain storm that's keeping me from going anywhere right now.

"Rejoice in the things that are present; all else is beyond thee." ~Montaigne

SANE Center Opens at Stony Brook University Medical Center

SANE. A sexual assault nurse examiner.

This is a program i learned about today. My future roommate is a nurse, and not just A nurse but an incredibly skilled and passionate one at that. She furthered her education to become a forensic nurse and now has the opportunity to work with this incredible organization for women who have been raped.

Not only do these nurses provide a safe place for these women to come and be thoroughly examined, but they are crucial in the investigation process to bring justice.

This video mentions that a victim of rape that goes directly to the ER can wait for hours and perhaps not get the immediate help and specific attention needed. Which is why I love that this program is in place with skilled nurses, therapists, doctors right at the bedside.

I'm proud of her. And I am so glad she will be doing this..

Inspired by my bookshelf and outside.

I wrote a new song. Interesting how this came together. A simple bookshelf and the outdoors creates a story for a song.

She calls herself a little woman. The star of the sea.

Building her secret garden beneath a spiraling tree.

Can you keep a secret? she asks.. to then her dragon's reveal.

To own. To feel. It's real.

But the crane he sits still like her looking out upon the field.

As though he was there for the same reason.

Giving thanks for the pain.

Giving thanks for the pain.

And she sings.. la la la la

she sings..la la la la

And the.. la la la la..

Makes everything better.

Contemplation carries her to

But the tree and his branches is the move

You can not get to the castle until

You swim, You sweat, Plow through

And she sings...la la la la

she sings..la la la la

And the.. la la la la

Makes everything better....

It makes everything better..

Repeat, Try again, Second chance.

Life is full of these.

So I've been in a writing mood these past couple of days.. i don't normally post this much at once but i have been very contemplative during my time off from school, and purposefully so. I've had a lot to think about especially when it comes to school.

Nursing school has been challenging, enlightening and disheartening.

I was riding the "enlightening wave" for some time and then hit challenge head on full speed ahead with a knock down of discouragement that left me a bit disenchanted with this whole idea of being a nurse. A tough teacher who told me she is keeping me back a semester...A teacher who questioned whether or not i should be doing this.. A teacher who told me i had a lot to think about these next three weeks on my break.

So I am thinking..contemplating..

What if this type of thing didn't happen? We would really never feel the need to stop and wrestle..

So it definitely has been a catalyst.

It's taken me on a tailspin of thoughts and what could be's or what if's... but that can last forever and it certainly takes way too much space in the brain.. i need to leave room for other things!

So what do i do?

Wait for the cheesyness..

I watch an episode of Mercy. haha. It's your typical "ER"-"Grey's Anatomy" or "Boston Med" type show, but it focuses on nurses. wam bam, thank you mam. Finally.

Ok, so I'm watching this show.. and there is this girl that i totally identify with. She is new on the team..a graduate nurse, fresh outa school with a masters even.

She has absolutely no clue what she's doing...

But there is one thing she has, and it's so evident. Passion.

On her first day, her patient coded and all she knew to do was scream and cry out for help. The medical team rapidly responded with all the tubes and oxygen nessecary for resistation..

Then towards the end of the episode it shows this nurse visiting the patients room. the patient, a young 15 year old hanging by a thread was accompanied by his mother who just sat there numb staring at her son.

the nurse grabs a box of tissues, pulls a chair beside her...and they both began to cry.

so of course i am now shit faced crying too.. oh geez.

It made me think.

Skill. Emotion.

It takes time to learn a skill. Nothing comes easy.. and it's part of the process. It's unavoidable. It's not always fun.. and it sure can be quite a daunting and intimidating task.

Just like a teacher. Grading papers. Dealing with difficult parents. Non-complaint students..

Just like a manager.

Every career-trade-vocation has so many challenges.

But i can't rely soley on emotion.. I need skill. I need to get through the tough stuff and I can make a difference too.. they go hand in hand. And here I am trying to seperate the two which makes it so difficult to de-code this grand mystery of whether i am on the right career path.

So I will repeat Nursing II.

THE BUDDHA | MEDITATION | PBS

There has been a deep desire within my heart to seek and question my own spiritual path.

It hasn't been easy and I have encountered blurs of thick convoluted patches that have left me somewhat stagnate. But the stillness forced me to really ask myself what this was all about. What did this mean? Where was I going? What do people think?

I say "was"...but I mean "am". This is current.

The only difference now is my motivation.

Another difference is the questions i felt were too threatening to ask are no longer. Not only are they non-threatening but they are essential to the process. I can not learn if I am afraid to ask questions. And if I can't learn then I can't move. If i don't feel the freedom to venture into something totally different then I'm cheating myself and my spirit...

It's because something in us cares. We care so much to even know why something is wrong so we can make sense of truth. At least that's how I see it.

I seriously have so many questions. When I think about all these questions there always seems to be a small dose of grief that is stimulates and arises within my soul. I don't believe that grief is bad. I believe that it can either be dealt with or not. So how is it dealt with?

I sit. I pray. I feel. I think. I cry. I speak out loud.

I'm dealin.

A few weeks back I wrote a post on prayer.

I have been really pressed to figure out why I pray..not to whom. and i don't know about you, but for me, that changes everything. I feel like its real for the first time.

I have not arrived at a "camp site" so to speak. But those who do settle at a site require a certain amount of faith. Whether you are atheist, christian, agnostic, pagan.. faith is involved.

Sometimes i just want to surrender questions because I don't want to get so caught up in them that i forget to live. So i'll settle for living in them.

What is the purpose of life?

Amy Steinberg said at the coffee house last night.. "Just Live".

Ok..

So i continue. It takes the pressure off a bit. But i still struggle with what to do about where to go and what to believe.

But I am glad I am surrounded by amazing souls and pens and journals and guitars ready to inspire each and every step.

Home Birth : Orgasmic Labor Birth

What does your mind immediately think when you read this title.. "what?? how can that be possible?" isn't that inappropriate?! Not happenin to me!!

i'll admit that at first i was a bit uncomfortable..

but it makes sense.. and it's interesting to see the how the enviroment stimulates the mother to completely relax for this to occur. Not only inducing relaxation but this helps with birthing pains!

The orgasmic experience.. not just an outcome from sexual pleasure but a physiological response to protect or perhaps as a defense mechanims from severe pain?

hmm.

something to think about...

Bringing words to Life

Direction....Lead

Confidence....Initiate

Perseverance....Continue

Consistancy....Remain

Passion....Ignite

Understanding....Connect

Strength....Build

Willingness....Move



Direction, lead me with the confidence that initiates perseverance continuing to remain constant to the passions that ignite inside of me with the understanding that connects, building strength and the willingness to move.

I'm afraid you have a perfect body

eyes to pierce and see into the soul..

and lashes to catch the tears..

a mouth to pucker and kiss and nourish..

a smile that radiates and cares..

crow's feet and laugh lines as proof..

goosebumps for every chill and shivers to keep you warm..

shoulders for confidence that crave a sense of belonging..

a heart to feel, to beat, to share and a chest to keep it sacred..

curves for a fun adventure and a little padding for protection ;)..

freckles and birth marks for sprinkles of character..

arms to hold, embrace and comfort telling you that you aren't alone..

palms to surrender and fingers to grip tight...

legs for the long journey preparing to walk, to run or just be still..

The tip of your nose to touch anothers'..

Pain to remind you that you are still alive...

My Shocking Story: Octopus Man - The Extra Limbs

This video may disturb some viewers but this is the kind of stuff that fascinates me. Especially this story!

This man was supposed to have a twin brother. Unfortunately the split of cells did not occur fully within the womb which lead to this anomaly.

These limbs protruding through his abdomen are receiving a full blood supply. I can't imagine the stress that is being put on his heart in order to get adequate circulation to these additional extremities.

How Caffeine Works

Gosh Caffeine.. tryin to pretend like your Adenosine! So sneaky.

I am sorta addicted. I love coffee. I love making it and I love the experience of having a tasty cup o joe accompanied by good conversation.

Maybe one day I'll stop drinking it. I am sure a fruit smoothie is way better for me and won't pull a fast one by pretending to be something its not!

Prayer of St Francis Assisi sung by Sarah McLachlan

I love love this song and prayer.

prayer to me has been a journey. a journey of more than words.. a journey of movement.

i don't believe in religion. but i do believe in spirituality."Spiritus" this latin root translates to breath, energy, spirit. That which moves.

And I am moved because of others.. the majesty of nature, the wonder of babies, the complexity of the human body, difficult teachers that build character, love, joy, sorrow, success, failure, friends.. the list can go on and on.

Please add to it if you feel led.

the movement of prayer..

may you be renewed from your head to your toes with peace and love and strength.

Anorexia's Childhood Roots (CBS News)

This seems to be a common struggle among women of all ages.

I am curious as to how this arises.

Is there a biological predisposition to this disorder?

Childhood roots? Parenting styles?

Some women who find themselves fixated on their weight come from great, supportive familes.

then there is exercise.

This can be a make or break depending on the psychological status of one who is or has struggled. Key words..."is or has".

In my experience, I have faced ambivalence with exercise. It's like you have to make peace with it. Ask yourself these questions:

What is our intention? Is it something we do out of shame because there is something physically wrong with us and it needs to change? Or is it something we do because we love our bodies and want to keep them healthy? The outcome of hard work is wellness and a sense of strength.. and that's contagious. There is a big difference between these two thought processes. That is what i long for us women to embrace.

Their strength, their capability, their accomplishments..

not just a decreased number on the scale.

I think a whole hell of a lot of women would enjoy exercise and not go to extreme measures of unheathiness if they first addressed these issues and asked these honest questions.

DEBORAH COX "BEAUTIFUL U R" EXCLUSIVE VIDEO

This a song that makes me think of my ladies at jazzercise. i love that its empowering and i hope that they feel beautiful. Not just feel, but know.

Yes, Virginia, There Is a Pheromone

Yes, Virginia, There Is a Pheromone

I love scents. Not only how they smell, but what they evoke.

The clever marketing behind the brand that creates this imagery leaving us (women) desiring to rub our wrists all over that sample inside the fold of the magazine.

The outcome?

If it's delicously divine smelling, we want to buy it.. and if our body chemistry seems to be a good match with the particular scent.. done. sold.

But who are we buying the scent for?
Us, someone else, everyone? both?
to attract a mate? or just enjoy the satisfaction of smelling good?

So, i thought further. where did the idea of scents or parfumes come from?

I remember watching a show on discovery health i think it was some time ago and was fascinated by this topic:

pheromones.
it's origin?

an interesting npr program did a broadcast on pheromones. 50 years ago two scientists researched and came up with this idea of pheromones beginning with a female silk worm moth!


I'll attach the link.
http://http//www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=99458508
Very very interesting.

The link above is also an interesting article on women and pheromones linked to calming pre-menstrual symtoms and moods.

Fire works in your feet

Why Do Your Limbs Fall Asleep? Healthmad

Fireworks illuminating the sky one right after another.

But all i could think of was my feet.

I realized my left foot was tingly, sorta like fireworks in my foot.

They were.. one right after another, falling asleep!

So I was curious. Why do our limbs fall asleep? And why can it be so debiltating to for the first 20 secs while trying to get up or move.

A type of neuropathy, diabetics can experience this complication as well but not due to the same reasons.

Higher Ground

This is so 1993 BUT it's such a great song! And even better, the lyrics!

Here is a link to the lyrics:

http://http://www.metrolyrics.com/higher-ground-lyrics-ub40.html

What Does Diabetes Do?

Did you know that high levels of blood sugar can damage your retina, kidneys and attribute to poor wound healing?

Tis true.

I love carbs and all things sweet, but how I feel afterwards makes me question everytime why I ate it in the first place.

This video really breaks down the pathophysiology of diabetes in a detailed yet easy to understand way.

There are 3 main types of Diabetes.

Type 1 (explained more in detail in the video) but this usually occurs at a younger age and they will be insulin dependent for the rest of their lives. also termed "juvenille diabetes".

Type 2- insulin resistant. adult onset. this occurs later in life due to poor eating habits (high levels of concentrated sweets) and obesity.

Gestational Diabetes- Diabetes that occus during pregnancy. This can either diminish after the mother gives birth or it remains. Usually attributed to poor eating habits during pregnany.

oh ya, and one more.

Diabetes Mellitus- Someone with a primary disease such as pancreatic cancer then developes diabetes because of complications.

Eat well, exercise and take care of yourself!

Donna Lewis - I Love You Always Forever (video)

I heard this song on the radio yesterday and I was reminded of how much i loved it back in the day!

The Filament

Nursing and Unitarian Universalism.
What do these two have in common?

Well, for me, they share this undeniable influence that brings me to this place.

It's so insanely interesting to me the experience each new season of life brings. The new challenges and opportunities brought forth. The joys. The sorrows. Happy is the heart that still feels pain right?

I'm not gonna lie, there is a deep pain in the process of transforming and stripping oneself to their very core. Old ways are either left behind or seriously questioned. Not to mention, it takes work! But there is undoubtedly an evolution that takes place that is so thrilling. It leaves nothing but hope.

I feel like I can break up my 20's into little compartments. Each one having their own unique advancement into something a little more and more authentic...and I am walking right into it.

For the past month and a half, I have been attending a Unitarian Universalist church. It's been an adventure for sure. I am finding that I have always had these liberal butterflies flying around in the back of my head.. but I had no idea how to reconcile or even begin to dissect them. I love the fact that there are many walks of life. Pagans, Atheists, Buddhists, Muslims, Christians, Jews, Agnostics...

The hospital.
Another setting to meet all different kinds of people.

As you may or may not know, I am in the second semester of nursing school. During clinical a few weeks ago I was in the hospital supply room gathering some equipment to discontinue my patient's IV. I had company. My teacher was with me explaining to me what i needed exactly to perform the procedure. The room is small and cold, filled with an overabundance of supplies that seem to go to waste most of the time. Anyways, as I nervously looked around for 2x2 gauze, my teacher breathing the breath of fire right at my neck took that opportunity to share with me how she felt about my nursing care.
Here we go.

My patient that week was Muslim. She had her family with her at her bedside watching every move I made. I wanted to be culterally sensitive and make sure I provided additional privacy during care.

But my teacher thought otherwise.. She didn't think i had a good concept of this patient's background and that I see things black and white. She believes this is why i struggle with nursing application on the unit floor in general. She continued on by saying..."you know Melissa, nursing is not all theory and it certainly isn't predictable. It's not a formula you can learn to then come back the next day and expect it to work the same way. The connection is not being made that there are so many different approaches to nursing care and interventions with your different patients. Gulp.
The room was no longer cold.

She has a point though. I don't totally agree with her estimation of me and my performance as a student nurse, but I don't argue.

It's like being thrown into a sea of unpredictable currents and tides. That's how i feel on the hospital unit right now. And I can't seem to speed things up!

When I worked at Starbucks, it took me like 8 weeks to get comfortable making a latte. Just a damn latte!
Soon thereafter, I was on a roll! I made drinks left and right. I had my own little groove thang and wasnt hesitant at all. I would whip up a triple venti, 2 pump, 3 splenda, whole milk caramel macchiato all while having a conversation with my customer about their day at work!

I'm hoping this will transcend into my nursing career. haha. because $5 coffee is so important you know.

Confidence.

It takes time. And it takes confidence to move into these transitions in life. It takes confidence to believe that wherever we are at, whatever we believe is where we need to be. There is so much peace in that. It doesn't look a certain way as much as I really would like a clear picture and answer to things, I am afraid that will take away from the mystery and I won't have anything to celebrate.

Movement.

Fast. Slow. Easy. Hard. It's movement. It can be uncomfortable. But so is staying still.

I just hope my teacher sees that even though I'm movin slow it's progress! Plus, I am going to be doing this for a long time..so I better utilize all this time and really connect with it.
Nursing has become such a passion of mine in this short period of time in my life.

Belief.

There was a former way of believing and it seemed very confining. I wouldn't say black and white. For me, it's been more of a splash of mixed colors without any clear cut edges, unsure of where to even start. Questioning was stifled and certainly not safe. It was a more formulaic way of living, and it wasn't because I really wanted to. It was because I was scared to move beyond the boundaries of what I felt confined me spiritually.

People.

Period. Being open to understanding different cultures and beliefs.There is so much to be gained and to learn by others. I am discovering this...

And that is why I love that there are communities of people that allow for this to be lived out and validated.

And I continue...

How the Body Works : Functions of the Hypothalamus

Do you ever wonder what triggers thirst, hunger or sex?

Jamie Foxx says.. "Blame it on the a-a-a-a-alcohol." haha. Well that too...

But lets take it back to good 'ol anatomy and physiology.

The hypothalamus.

In class this week we are learning about fluid volume disturbances, one being Hypovolemia ( a fluid volume deficit of water and electrolytes). Not to be confused with dehydration.. although so very closely linke, dehydration is the loss of water alone.

As nurses this is one of the most crucial areas of care we need to closely assess in our patients. And now I know why. Most every single patient I have had so far in my clinical has had some form of symtom of hypovolemia. They have an IV of normal saline to promote homeostatis (normal saline is an isotonic solution which in turns helps bring fluids back to a balanced level) or they may have an IV of Lactated Ringers which contains added electrolytes. There are specific things we need to strictly monitor and assess like skin turgor, degree of edema if present, lung sounds, body weight, urine intake and output and so on.

So I was curious as to how we become thirsty? Where does this all begin?

Pathophysiology. yaya.. i love this stuff.

This is a short video that explains very simply what the hypothalmus is and the function.

But here is a little break down of our thirst mechanism:http://http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/8362127

Cheers!

Jack Johnson - Upside Down

Love this song! And i love the lyrics :) Enjoy!

What makes something worthy of praise?

Serenity. Generosity. Kindness. Others.

These words were brought to my attention today by a lady who i'd like to call my moma.

We talk a lot about all things spritual and everything else under the sun.. And we seem to do this all while in the Greenwise section at publix. haha.

I especially like to question things that she says.. not in a rude "you're wrong" kinda way, but more so to really understand why she thinks the way she does. Where is she coming from? What stirs up within her? What is the driving force behind her passionate beliefs?
It's not because I want to be spiteful, on the contrary, because I care and I am genuinely curious.

The mystery of others fascinates me.

The conversation started with an overview of a stressful week she had just experienced. My mom is a business owner, a wife, a child and caretaker of ill parents in a nursing home, and not to mention a grandmother herself. So there is always something happening in her world. There is never a dull moment. She almost thrives in it.
If the AC doesn't go out at the studio then it's the plumbing.. and then its the car breaking down... and then it's my sister's baby with a 104 fever.. a call from the nursing home telling her my grandmother fell and she needs stiches asap.

Ah. breathe. I can't keep up with my mother's life. haha.

So anyways.. she is a woman with a faith in God. So of course this was the perfect segue into the next obvious turn in our conversation..

This week the car was fixed because a man we know who happens to be a mechanic decided to repair whatever it was that needed repairing. My mom was ready to hand over the benjamins when he said... "no, really, it's ok. i felt led to do this free of charge."
whoa.

I was totally moved by his act of gracious generosity. I mean.. that was really really nice of him to do.

To be compelled to do something nice...

So i asked my mom, (within the context of what we were talking about). What happens when God doesn't "show up" ? If you were to think of it that way. So in this case, this man charging what would be expected when doing a job. Naturally.

Maybe the story would have been told a little differently or maybe not even told at all.

What makes something worthy of praise?

Then i thought of these simple truths..

Serenity; someone who provides a deep breath and a calm spirit during a tumultuous time.
Generosity; a man who decides to fix a car for free.
Kindness; the kindness that catapults generosity.

Others.

This seems way to simple. But it's a spiritual enlightenment for me. What do I learn from other people? What can I give other people? Why do I love them?

The complexity of simplicity

http://vimeo.com/4368455

the mind of a woman while shaving her legs.
we never stop daydreaming.

Warning Sign

https://health.google.com/health/ref/Transient+ischemic+attack

Thinking the Cold play song? That's what comes to my mind immediately when I read those two words!

Check this article out!

Today in lecture we talked about the neurovascular system and disorders such as brain attacks and heart attacks. One that stuck out to me the most was a Transient Ischemia Attack. TIA.
A warning sign.
The human body is stinkin amazing.

Nurse

I felt so inspired last weekend.. the thought of being a nurse.. the thought of truly connecting with someone.. helping in their healing...rebirthing hope thats been lost along the way..reminding them that they aren't alone.
then i had the week from hell this week. it was so tempting to allow what went down with my teacher to wash away my inspiration for this passion that seemed to be confirmed within the past couple of weeks. for a couple days it felt squelched.
but i still want to post the song i wrote about a nurse. its sounds so much better on the guitar with a melody but here goes!

So i sit here with you
You seem a little tired and confused
don't worry maybe i can help diffuse
the pain
the pain

There must be some fear
The unknown followed by tears
Its ok
I'll sit here with you
With you
Oh with you

And be near
I can hear you breathing
Just rest my dear
You're not alone
You're not alone

So ill sit here with you
doing everything i can do
when its all said and done
ill be your advocate

Ani DiFranco - "Evolve" no Programa do Jô

She is so fruckin awesome.

Respiratory System (2nd Ed., Rev.) (Clip)

Did you know that we have 300 million aveoli in our lungs? that is equivalent to 70 square feet which measures out to be the size of a tennis court! so cool. atelectasis is a severe condition in which the aveoli collapse due to pulmonary edema, bronchiole obstruction, increased mucous secretions, immobility and other factors. this helps me remember so i figured i would share!

ERIK H. ERIKSON: A LIFE'S WORK ( DAVIDSON FILMS )

I'm fascinated by human development. In nursing school, they have been teaching us the developmental and cognitive process of individuals as a part of nursing care. no wonder they made us take developmental psych as a pre-req.

Although there are many theorists such as Gould, Freud, Piaget, Erickson focuses on the entire life span. our nursing professors have us primarily focus on his theory along with Maslow.

He believes these 8 stages are predetermined and one can not succeed to the next without having fulfilled the prior stage.

My immediate raw thoughts are; how could my life be summed up or predetermined in 8 stages? and who is some theorist/psychologist to say this is the order in which they happen or that there is an end to one's development?

what if one step is accomplised but years later, a regression occurs then what would you call that phase?

how can one function in society and relationships if the most fundamental steps are missing or denied?

That being Trust, Integrity, Intimacy and so on.

reminds me of the song by Ingrid Michaelson "Everybody". Everybody, everybody wants to love, everybody everybody wants to be loved.

but how can we love if we weren't shown? lame excuse. there is usually someone ( i certainly hope) that would one day show us love, befriend us, nurture and take care of us.

responsiblity.

that should be a stage! we have a responsibility to take care and to care.

that brings me to another question.

Where does this all begin? is the the ability to nurture and love innate within us? or is it learned by demonstration?

So let's take my professor's example he used in lecture. There are two cells (unknown). They are each inserted into a petri dish to study over a certain period of time. The cells begin to pulsate and move towards one another and begin to join... interesante.

so bump that Erikson! it all begins with a cell! Lol!

What do you call a phobia? - Qi - BBC

Questions

Living in them.
Waiting without answers.
I am not really ok with the waiting part. Isn't there supposed to be some sort of movement in a direction?
Even if it's the wrong one?
I trust that it will be corrected if its wrong, and i believe it will still be fruitful. come what may.

the simple truth; a creature seperates from an old way of existence to then enter a time of metamorphosis and emerge to a new level of being.
like a chrysalis.
nature has a way of showing us this process. i believe this is how an answer is revealed. not an answer that solves the problem or takes the pain away. most of the time it confirms that we can't run away.. we can't speed it up, we can't avoid pain. we are weak but strength is on the brink. we just have to wait. edure. hope. trust. and most importantly let go.

so i ask myself these questions in the midst of my spiritual journey.
What holds me together?
Where do i put my trust?
Am i being my true, unfettered self?
What am I holding on to?
What do i need to let go?

the questions feel something like wilderness. i can either explore it or get lost in it.
if we stripped ourselves to our very core,the essense of who we are, what would that look like?
who would we be?
it's hard to imagine us without those things. because they make us who we are.. but its interesting to think about it.

YouTube - Nurses documentary

YouTube - Nurses documentary

A little song of love

You captivate me
Your in my thoughts
Your smell it takes me

Beyond
Beyond my imagination
Beyond everything

So meet me here
So meet me here

Lets run together
and go real far
through fields of flowers
and be who we are

So meet me here
So meet me here

And love eachother
Lets love eachother
And love forever
And love

First clinical experience

So I've made it through my first semester of nursing school! I thought it would never end. I questioned time after time why the hell I was doing this, it seemed way too time consuming. Then i read the chapters on caring in nursing practice. There were so many chapters on medical administration, assessment, catheter insertions as well as NG tubes, injections among many other skills we needed to demonstrate and perform without error. The unthinkable, I did it. I got through all skills. But it wasn't until we started clinicals when it hit me, and I realized that i really wanted so badly just to be around people. So this entry is a little snip bit of my time with my resident at the assisted living.

My second week of clinicals was a very eye opening experience. Prior to this I can't say that I have given the aging process as much thought as maybe I should. I am so focused on my immediate needs that I do not allow much room for future or perhaps the bigger picture of my life. Life is jumbled up into being 28 and it is hard to imagine anything else.

More intimate time with my resident this week most certainly broke through my very limited concept of this whole progression of the aging individual. My resident asked me questions about my life. She was genuinely intersted moreso the second week than the first, to get know me better. I desired the same with her. She seemed more comfortable and her voice more free and animated. She read me poems that she wrote earlier on in her life and I shared with her that I wrote music and poems too. I could see that sparked excitement in her, the commonality we shared. She shared with me stories of her husband and when they first met. She recalled the many times when she was so confused about her medical conditions that now make sense in her later years. She was told that she could not have any children and she has four. I can only imagine her at my age. A time of financial hardship. A time during war, during the Great Depression. A time where women had different functions and expectations as what is seen now. To have lived through so much and yet there is still more time, more time to rekindle spirituality whatever the means or becomes, more time left to still learn, to still read, to still write poems. She loves to read. One big thing that will stick with me now and forever was also the ability to see one who has aged as a prime example of the ability to cope through change overtime. The hardships and change of establishments and the vigor to share having been through it. So this experience was extremely thought provoking for me. I began thinking of life and aging and the process that is such a continuous phenomena. It brings hope to things unknown. It welcomes thoughts and questions to this process that seemed stifled by fear or just mere misunderstanding.