Think of yourself in third person

It's something I learned about an hour ago. A concept that I've touched lightly in my head but somehow, like everything else, got lost in the entanglement of irrelevant thoughts.

It seems interesting. If you really come into yourself by stepping outside of yourself.
Wierd, I know.. but wait...

Talk to her (or him) as though you are reinforcing her. She is you and you are her.

She awaits the words that only you can give her. No one else.
She waits.

She needs to believe and know that you and her are connected.
Remind her.

And when the waves of trouble invade her, tell her they are just waves and nothing else.
You are her and she is you.
And you are strong. You are woman.
And you love her.

Think of yourself this way and see how it changes your perspective about you.
It's pretty powerful.

How YOU can be HAPPIER!

Exposed

you live and die by principles.

i live and die by love and relationships.

i appreciate theology and doctrine.

it has taught me a great deal.

but the heartbeat of my life is community.

i am connected.

i dont have to agree but at least i can understand.

it's so hard to understand something when you don't know someone.

i feel as though you don't know me.

and frankly, i don't really know you.

you say i changed, and you are correct. thank god i did.

i went from being an isolated, painfully shy, insecure individual to who i am now.

i know there are things i still don't know but i am free to be.

just be.

and learn and grow and evolve.

do you know me?

i still believe in god. just different. i believe in the divinity in all of us.

christ died not because we were powerless but to empower us.

that has transformed my thinking.

that is what i believe.

i know you disagree.

that's ok.

bottom line is.... i love you.

so maybe we can talk face to face sometime.

for me, all i want is to know you and for you to know me.

no destination or expectation.

love,

mel

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oTbObag1r0I&feature=related

Cardboard Love

Got some card board hangin around?? Before you throw it in your recycling pile... try making a collage!

Enjoy the great outdoors... some music and scissors!

Thirty and Things

Oh my gosh, Arnold Oatnut bread is amazing. So is being thirty.
Buy one get ones at Publix excite me. This is what thirty feels like.
It's the simple things that stir me up. It's the simple things that make me want more things simple. Simple so I can stretch and breathe into myself, into my life, into my surroundings.

I just finished a really awesome book by Sarah Sentilles, "Breaking Up with God." I remember looking at the title and feeling a tinge of rebellion surge through my body... a curiosity coupled with questions of whether or not this could be dangerous. I had already developed empathy by just looking at the cover, an excerpt of my own. "Oh yes, this will be dangerous, encouraging, similar and liberating!" Indeed it was. Minus the dangerous part. I only included that word because I know, in fact I am sure other people of faith might be worried, might be concerned. Why do I do that?

So I am deconstructing and reconstructing an imaginative construction.
I think I've been doing that for quite some time now. Years in fact. But there is something about feeling the freedom and knowing the peace to believe in your imaginative creativity. To believe and know that it is worthy and valid and yours. Although someone may tell you otherwise and caution you of the dangers of relativism, it's ok. At least I think it's ok because I still have me and my imagination. I can always go back to my painting. The painting of my experience which has formed my imaginative construction called faith.

It's simple to me. It's not scary. It's exciting. You know why? Cause I get to read more awesome books and learn more awesome things.
Next on my list:

The Mermaid Chair by Sue Monk Kidd.

It's hot in here

attempting an inhalation

to fill the lungs

retaining...

but i want to exhale

the air that fills supposedly

clearing the mesh of what seems to

be...

ongoing

sit still...

the pinch of tension reminds me

i feel...

contemplative space create

a consciousness of

blackness

spaced stratigcally between the striations of

subtle color

eyes wide shut

how come?

why do i?

why can't i?

seperate

no need

don't kill

be still

include

revere

the answer is

the

breath....

Backwards

The secret decoded.

I am energy.

So are you. So is everything around me.

How have I connected to this energy within me?

Life is backwards.

For so long my mind has operated in a systematic way.
I take information in.
I filter it.
I kill it with my preconceived whatevers.

Instead why not
Let the energy in..
Feel it.. Sit in it for a while..
Let it speak to me.
I have an example. A great example:

I am no longer in nursing school. I know this is like beating a dead horse but it takes up space in my head and it's starting to pay rent. No thank you. What do i do with my life now? If i were to go back to school, which career do i choose?

I discovered the way I think is through music. the way i relate to people is through music.
It's how i live and breathe.
That's what my energy healer revealed to me.

so instead of driving myself crazy, instead of saying "well that isn't gonna make me enough $"...

don't answer. Just write music for now. let the music you write speak to you. that's it.
ah. i teared up.
I've been doing that. I don't know what i would do if I didn't.
it's one thing to write..but to actually cultivate it, to tend to it on a regular basis. To BELIEVE in it.

like food for my body. That's the difference.

i am creating my own blockage by not letting energy move through me.
Fear, the insecurity of failure has stifled my solar plexus.
It makes sense. If only to move backwards. To find what speaks to you and what brings you to your higher self.
For me, that's music.
For now, I write and sing :)

My yoga musings

I'm drinkin some hot tea. Wild sweet orange to be exact. mmm. A juicy blend of lemongrass, citrus herbs, licorice root and orange essences... Tazo wrote that. I would have to agree, although my description would be something like, " a surprisingly wild and sweet orange-y taste. an unexpected tang on the tongue." haha.

ok so this has been an interesting past few weeks for me. The entire month of June has been consumed with yoga. I love it. My abs love it. my arms embrace the bilateral bruises from the many crow poses i've challenged my body into. Battle scars.
my first week i had to wrap both of my big toes because of blisters from the hot yoga.
The heat during hot yoga is insane. at times i feel as though i am forcefully inhaling a breath in hopes for it to cool the internal fire. its so damn hot. there have been times within my practice that i'd be in another plank... another god-damn plank and my arms and shoulders were shouting.. screaming.. pleading with me to let my body feel the sweet release of face planting on my mat. so i did. and i got back up. sweat all over the place i could doggie paddle around the perimeter of my mat.

The physical practice is exciting and exhausting but i love what it does.. I love how i feel.
Spiritually, I have always gravitated towards this practice because of the discipline it teaches my mind as well as my body, not to be a drill sergeant but to become aware.
awareness. a maintance of sorts. a unification... a grace.
a language. sanskrit. words like ahimsa, which mean love and non-violence.
santosha, the ease of heart..contentment.

I find the practice of meditation to be the most challenging. and of course, this is foundational in yoga. it's all encompassing. and it's incredibly difficult! all i can think of is every itch i want to scratch and the throbbing senstations i feel in my hip. but i show up. and i try not to expect enlightenment or much of anything really. just another opportunity to breathe.

my diet hasn't changed much. other than i want to eat more. haha. that's another difficult battle. do i choose veganism again? this time i'll do it right. do i eat meat? do i just eat fish?
a broken record of a clusterfucked food pyramid rollin around in my head. so i choose moderation, balance. and that's hard because i want to do something and do it right but not at my body's expense.. i've had to learn this the hard way.

this yoga journey is quite the experience. i am really excited to share this and teach this hollistic practice. whole-istic. it really is that.
a kick in the ass workout.. with some lengthening stretches that feel like the best massage ever...and an enlightening restful and refreshing spiritual experience.
yup.
i like it.

Different shoes

Like a whisper.. faint, mysteriously easing it's way into your conscious.. the very breath of your spirit. Hey, hey you, you know that you are a miracle? A miracle worker? A divine force of compassion and love. Did you know? Do you know?
And then you breathe it in.

The old saying "karma is such a bitch" is used a lot in our society. But what if the intention was changed... tweeked a bit. What if it were perhaps like wearing a different pair of shoes?
Sure it may feel like a bitch but if we take the bitterness out and allow ourselves to feel and extend grace it may be more redemptive. At least it will allow for redemption. Redemption within ourselves, for ourselves, our souls, our spirit.

Instead of.. this is what I deserve because of "fill in the blank".
Why not; wow, now I know how that feels. Feel it and let it go. Thank the Universe for allowing those shoes to be worn. And be better for having walked in them. Give whatever it may be a divine kiss and release it.
Even if...even if the outcome is not what we expect or hope for.

You are a miracle worker.

Creative Space

A deviation that leads me into a space, a creative one of course. I think of the root of that word; create.

I have no idea what will come of this. It's scary to think that a plan I had envisioned for myself has taken a sharp turn into a different space. A lucrative plan...a plan that would lead to independence and credibility.
I am practicing the skill of not entertaining the frequent occurring feelings of inadequacy. Nursing school didn't work out.
Where does this lead me?
Well, for quite some time now I've had this strong desire to pursue yoga training. I just couldn't do it while in school. I figured I needed to get my "shit together" get a good job..and then I could pursue my dreams of headstands and asanas in the sky.
Interesting when things don't go according to plan. I may not make as much money doing yoga compared to nursing. I may make more. who knows. but I am excited to live in the passion and space that comes a bit more natural to me. That doesn't exclude the hard work this physical practice is going to require. But at least the questions on our test won't be choose the BEST answer multiple choice! That i don't miss for a second.

Practice for today:
Be confident in your space.

I love this kid

How To Be Alone

My Horoscope for this week.

It would be a good week for you to assemble a big pile of old tv's you bought for $5 a piece at a thrift store and run over them with a bulldozer. It would also be a favorable time to start a blazing fire in a fireplace and throw in the photos of all the supposedly attractive people you used to be infatuated with, even though you now realize that they were unworthy of your smart love. In other words, it is a perfect moment to destroy symbols of the things that have drained your energy and held you back. There's an excellent chance this will provide a jolt of deliverance that will prime further liberations in the coming weeks.

Have you ever just taken a moment to stop and think? Think about the very present, the very space you are in at any given time? What you are doing not so much where you are going but what it is that drives the very step of your movement? So i drive myself crazy because i am almost 30 and I don't have a degree yet. I'm working towards it, wherever it leads.. Today i vowed to myself not to worry because what I am doing now is what I love. What I am doing now matters. I don't give much worth to the present because i am so preoccupied with a destination, an expectation that will one day fulfill, that will one day give me that label i have longed for. That label will give me worth.. it will give me something to wake up for in the morning. But why not now? Why not embrace the work I do that makes me hardly 2 dimes to rub together.. but it brings me joy. I was brushing my teeth and it came to me suddenly like a gush of super tingly mouthwash. haha.. I love the feeling of training women to work hard, to love their bodies, to achieve goals they never thought they could. I love helping them stretch out the pain the inhibits their bodies to just breathe. Last Saturday I taught a Yilates class. Yoga and Pilates mixed with a Buddha boot camp funky twist. I think i'm gonna brand that name. :) I AM doing something i love. But for some reason I sell it short. I believe transitions are opportunities. The older I get, the more I realize I am walking into the very things that I love. The Universe is a magnetic force that teaches me to trust. And to trust myself. To choose my path. I ate a fortune cookie last week that said "choose your path". Ok, ok.. i need to listen. Why am i writing this? Well, school has always been a struggle for me. I tend to be really interested in things that make no money. The pressure from a struggling economy leaves me extremely worried about not having a solid job in a seemingly "promising field". In this case, health care. Nursing. I'm a bit worried about this semester. I am always worried EVERY semester because I am usually right at the borderline of pass/fail. So... I will update in a few days. Then I will know the outcome. Forward movement isn't just passing, it's also choosing.

Adele - Rolling In The Deep

another good ol song from Adele. i can't help but think of drag queens walking down runways with their fake locks flowing in the wind. ha!!

Missy Higgins-Secret (Lyrics + Download)

Breasts

I love womens' health and this is an interesting article on estrogen and breasts. Love your tatas. ;) whatever size. What Hormone Makes Your Breasts Grow? eHow.com

The Latest dot,dot,dot.

I just got back from teaching a group of 6-8 yr olds dance. I forgot how uninhibited kids are. They truly say the darndest things. One of the girls looked up at me while i was teaching and said.. "I see your arm pits. And there hairy." Ha! aah. shit. i forgot to shave and a little 6 yr old noticed. Another asked me how old I was and said.. "wow! You're 29 and you're not married?!" Yep. Tis true. They just stare in wonder. Gosh, kids are stinkin hillarious. I get such a kick outa watching them. It's been a while since I've written in this space. Each day really teaches and reveals. I get scared and I worry myself to death over whether or not i need to make a change or try something new or keep things the same. I have been thinking about alternative methods for my hip. I have had excruciating pain in my left hip for quite some time. I did physical therapy months back..and stretching (and that helps) but the throbbing pain continued. So i started to entertain the thought of accupunture. Eastern medicine. I know. I honestly thought it was a crock and it wouldn't work. Plus.. all I have been accustomed to is Western medicine. Pop an over the counter. Mask the pain. Just take steriods for that. No thank you. I have only been to 2 sessions and i can honestly say that the pain has significantly decreased! I have not taken a single anti-inflammatory med. Nada. and i hardly feel any pain. So I am glad i tried. I will continue. And I am excited to walk and run and dance and even sit without pain. So about everyday teaching and revealing.. I realized that if I can silently tune into myself the answers may come. They may not come in the form or exact words i expected. See that's the thing. Too much of my focus is on expectation. I expect for the outcome to reveal something significantly direct. But what if the answer is just sit. What if the answer is.. go about your day and teach and enjoy wonderful kids that somehow re-ignite a passion or desire within that has been placed on hold. What if a decision is just a decision. If you can take the words "right or wrong" out of the picture would you trust yourself more? would the pressure be taken off so then you can move? Make? Do? Believe? Believing in yourself just a bit more. Ripping off a label thats been identifying you for a good long while. Definitely something to think about.

Whatever comes to mind

I feel inspired today. Being in a different setting always stirs up good things within me. A space.
with noise i create. not the noise that rings a loud high pitched sound accompanied by fox news in the background ..a continuous new commentary of how fucked up our nation is.

ah. well beats antique in the background. an emotional emancipation of sorts. and i write.

Finding your way to your center.
what does that look like?
to be grounded in your being. the Ground of Being. just being.
a mix of splendid and frightening. lets begin with the splendid.
and as the frightening is approached. "rather than struggling against it, surrender into it"

and the current? the current of our lives. this rings true with regards to the pursuit (my, your, our pursuit) of authenticity
"those who swim with the current finish...
those who swim with the current finish dead...
those who swim with the current finish dead to
what might have been
if they swam against it."

balance.
the core. the nucleus. the driver. the answer or the question.

awareness.
a stone. a taste. a representation of purification. a nearness you feel with oneself and others.

A vigorous cry

The sound of life. A loud cry.
I've been hearing this for the past 3 weeks. Piercing and loud. haha.
The Ballard test determines the baby's maturity in comparison to their gestation. So one assessment being "a vigorous cry" gets a score of 5! thats a good thing.

So today I got to see a cesarean section (c-section). the entire process!! Epidural, incision, baby ...placenta. Unreal. I am still thinking about it!

oh, and want to know something suprising? A med student that was with us in the OR fainted. Seriously. so i ran over to her when she took her fall to make sure she was conscious. The doctors continued with the procedure as if nothing had occured.

It made me proud to be a nurse in training...helping a doctor in training.

Babies are insane. a miracle. and so are moms. I dont know if this is the area i want to work in but i sure love being in the operating room. this was the first time for me.

Everyone works as a team. A circulating nurse making sure everyone is where they need to be and supplies are available. A respitory therapist ready when the baby is born to assess the airway. A nurse anesthetist administering anesthesia..

So much happening!

And then there's me. haha. just standing in awe, watching, wondering, anxiously waiting, wishing i was working as a nurse already. But im in an operating room! Im seeing a baby being brought to life! A vigorous cry that signifies life and breath.

Choice

This word evokes so much within me.
I tend to be a thinker and dwell in the thought which delays me making a choice. Or its the very undoing of that choice. I often do not want to make the choice in fear of making the wrong one. In fear of getting severly hurt or hurting someone. In fear of failing and regretting it.
I told myself that 2011 is about me being bold and just making things happen..

How do i know the choice i'm making is the right one? How do i know its wrong?
I think we know a lot more than we think we do.
There is a song by Ray LaMontagne that says "the answer...is within you."

My mom told me yesterday her choices are driven by her faith combined with her fierce determination. She goes after it. She believes it will happen and if its not meant to be she trusts that God will reveal.

My dear friend said these words last night that resonated so deep within me.
"what is the fruit of any choice? Does it bear fruit of kindness, gentleness, goodness, love, patience, joy..ect? Or are the results of the choice opposite by bearing hate, lies, selfishness, sadness to self or to others?

Another friend of mine said the other day; "if its not a hell yes, then its a hell no!"

I also think with choice there comes a certain trust. A trust within yourself and your surroundings. I want to trust myself enough to be able to choose. I want to love myself enough to be able to make the right choice.

A new year

Is it really 2011? Feels like a dream.

But it is..oh it sure is, a new year.

The famous question.. "what's your new year's resolution?"

For some reason that question always baffles me. It's something similar to that question "where do you see yourself in 5 years?" hell if I know.

I never know how to answer. Oh but i try. I really do. Waiting my turn to be asked the infamous question, i begin to nervously conjure up thoughts, elaborating something profound in my head that would impress me and those who hear it.

If i loose weight it's probably for the wrong reasons or because I'm sick.

I want to be a bit more oganized..but i don't want to say it i just want to do it.

I would like to make A's in nursing school..but let's face it. I have to be realistic. It probably won't happen. So passing will suffice.

Taking a look back on 2010 i am reminded of a rough year.

A year that began my nursing career... having no direction..to then create it along the way as a result of being thrown into something that has taught me a great deal about myself and life already.

Heart breaks. hmm yes. Can we all say amen to that?

I like to think that i can be pretty damn resilient..but this year was filled with some challenging let downs that i tried so hard to package up and put away but then found them re-opening yet again with different faces.

But as hard as that can be... i don't want to spend too much time trying to understand it. I just shake hands with it. Bow my head to it. Make peace with it.. and say thank you. Thank you oh great teacher. Then move on.

My favorite part of "Happy new year" is the word "new" .

I am ready for new. Ready for the newness this season has for me and me for it.

What is my new years resolution?

Continue. Evolve.

Continue doing what I am doing. Going to school.. getting closer to my degree..tasting that sweet credential of RN behind my name.

Evolve.

Within the realm of consistency. Yes success is wonderful. A goal is great. But being exactly who I am as is..careful not to be emeshed or attached to an identity (like an RN..)

Sharing that sort of reciprocity between the two.

So here we go.

Go. do. be. create. love. smile. feel. breathe.

it can all be different in 5 minutes. it can all be new.

Feliz. New. Year

:)