Moleskine

More of an electronic moleskine. I write a lot in my moleskine.

As I sat outside this morning i began to think of spiritual things. I didnt care that it was humid outside. It was a nice change compared to the freezing 65 degree temperature in this office. Why the hell do they keep it so cold in here? Plus I took pleasure in the light breeze that brought some relief to the thick air. It was really nice.

So as i sat there, I pondered and contimplated about Jesus. I do this a lot. In fact all the time. Its like this whirlwind of desire and questions and second guesses.
I feel hypocritical thinking about Him as my life has been a consistant inconsistant mess of wishy washiness if you will.... but then my friend told me that i wasn't alone in this feeling and that she felt it too. That brought me a lot of comfort because I truly isolate so much of my issues that i cant see the forest through the trees. Hello Melissa, there is much more out there. Much more to be concerned about. Much more to be pro active about. Pro active. Thats right. Don't sit there. Do something. Help someone. Be something TO someone. Smile and dance.

Ok so back to my contimpaltions of Jesus.
Lately I have really been struggling with how I should go about Him in my life. I have tried to forget Him. But I cant. I thought maybe if i started to research how NOT to believe in Him that maybe just maybe I can find something new to believe in. Something fresh. Something like universal. I tend to be a hippie at heart so this idea was alluring and rebellious and well of course different. I want to be different. But ironically its not really all that different. And I figured out that it continues to NOT be mine. I have a tendency to take on others' beliefs and make them my own.. Their lack of or passion. The difference this time around is i have this insatiable desire to make what I believe my own, for once. I am 27 and I will be 28 in 3 months. What am I doing with my life?

I have been going back and forth and back again with little to no progress thinking that i should question my faith. And trust me, I have. Why do I believe in God? What does it mean to be a "Christian". So the Bible says this about fill in the blank... why does it make that true? There was a wee bit of a moment in time not too long ago that i was praying for God to increase my belief and for me to know what not to believe. Waving my hands in the air and clenching my jaw, I asked Him very specific questions demanding answers. I would not move forward until he gave me answers. He revealed a very sweet and simple thing to me.. to just walk. But i didnt give it that much time at all. I walked for a bit. Then i was like what is this anyways? I dont like this"just walk" deal man.

So today i asked myself; Is this real? Or is this all just a fraud. This whole time?? Can I truly trust my motivation behind my pursuit of Jesus? Am i going to say to myself in the end that i really didn't care?

I never have given myself enough time to really trust myself and my belief. I think Im going to start doing that today. And then tomorrow I will do it again.
Yesterday as I caught up with a friend on the phone, I said to her that I believe because I do. I don't have this solid incredibly brilliant and logical argument in place. I believe because I can. And because He is mine and I am His. Because he has faith in me and I want to have faith in Him.
This is all I know at this very point in my life. I have no theoligical argument at least right now.