Head Stand

So i just did a tripod head stand in my living room. I anchored my arms down to the floor.. said hello to the earth, placed my forehead onto the carpet, and bent my elbows at a 90 degree angle. In my head I was trying to remember the proper form i've been taught. Steady breathing strong core...steady...
I brought my knees up one at a time and placed them just on the outside of my triceps. Ok..stance is ready up we go. My legs went up! ha! and no one was there to spot me! I held it up there for like 40 seconds! Strong and steady. I did it again after because i was so incredibly enthused with the fact that i just did it all by myself and then I fell forward. I landed right on my booty sinking right into a pose with my knees bent back the way children sit while they play video games.
I faced my fear in the face. I have a fear of falling and breaking my neck. I have a fear of heights too. So stairs with big gaps of open air in between them freak me out like whoa.

I feel strong today. I feel like each day is another day to be thankful. Thankful for the opportunity to build...to grow... to learn to do.
Its a discipline for sure. I have never been this disciplined ever. Maybe i should transfer this method to other areas of my life (i.e school). hmm. Maybe if i would have attempted to make discipline a priority in my life like way sooner things would be different.
Well, like my mom says; "you can't what if your way through life.. you just gotta try" Sometimes its a steady discipline. Sometimes its not. Sometimes i fail.. sometimes apathy becomes my best friend. But i guess my most recent discovery has been when I am consistent in whatever it is I do, I develope a strength I never thought I could obtain. Kinda like that really super smart girl in my 9th grade English class who always seemed to get A's on everything. She studied. Or like being able to contribute to a disscusion because I read the book.

I had breakfast with my friend this morning and we talked about devastation and fear. She shared with me her fear of failure, her fear of rejection...devastation. I told her i fear it too. But what is better; to stay in the unknown confusion for what seems to be an eternity just to keep yourself "safe".. protect yourself from falling or failing? I then shared that there is a very interesting difference that i have distinguished through some of my own experiences over time. I divided this difference into two catagories. One, being preocupied with the thought of these things happening and two, it becoming a reality. Devastion, rejection, loss. I continued by saying that it really is crazy how I think in my head that i couldn't possibly be able to endure any of the above and that my fear of loss or rejection alone seemed all too excruciating to handle.
But then it actually happens and when it happens, you can't believe it at first. But for some reason it's bearable.
I guess that is what it feels like to be held. The bottom of the barrel is gone and you are standing above it, but you hope He has you. And when you fall it's part of the practice. It's just so good to know that we can approach our lives in freedom and not fear. Being aware is good and extremely important as it helps us acknowledge the weakness of our flesh... but i love that concept.