A dream and things

My mind has been preoccupied with so many things. It's been hard to wrap my brain around all of these medications I need to know for my pharmacology test on Friday. All the words jumble together. Carvi..levado..valiu...pro..cardiz..arp..pril. so i gave up studying yesterday. I will attempt to try again today. hopefully with a clearer mind.

it's crazy how this rollercoaster of life and emotions rises and falls. I was on a roll with school and studying. writing about giving what you do worth and passion...then i hit a brick wall and find myself not giving two shits.
i was telling my mom that yesterday evening. She said it was normal. A part of life.
I guess that's why we appreciate things then. because it takes a season of meddling through a bit of apathy on our part to then become something of worth. I wouldn't know otherwise.

So i had this crazy lucid dream last night about my grandfather. I call him Papa.
Have you ever had a dream to then wake up the next morning heavy hearted? oh ya...i'm sure. Good or bad.. or what the hell was that about?! Yup.

Loss has been on my mind lately. A dear friend of mine past away last week. He battled cancer and fought the good fight.. now he is resting.
I have been thinking about him a lot lately. Which has also reminded me of my Papa.
He, along with my grandmother (who I call Tuti) have been at the nursing home facility for several years now. I have witness their deterioration over time. I have purposely avoided them for a while and then more recently have been very much involved in their care, and now i have stepped back again because my mom hired someone to be their caregiver. I think that was better. Maybe. I go back and forth.
Anyways.. it hasn't really hit me until now. Moreso my Papa.
A man who once was full of life. The life of the party. He would talk to anyone anywhere, make friends with perfect strangers. Fart and be rude and make us laugh...take me and my brother on field trips to the Orlando airport just to watch people walk by.
Now bound to a wheel chair.. prisoner of pressure ulcers taking over his frail body.

Last night I had a dream that i was walking (not sure where) but out of no where, Papa came along side me.. walking, strong, younger. He was wearing white pants and a vividly green shirt with a pair of brown snake skin boots. He actually wore things like that when he was younger.
it was surreal.

Then i woke up. My mind stricken with the reality of death and dying and loosing someone dear.
I have no idea how to really process the dying process.. or what I should do. We learn theories and the grief process in nursing but you never really know when it's your family, or someone dear.

I guess all i can do is go visit him.