Boeuf Bourguignon

The first word is translated like "Beef" in the English language.

"I love cooking with Julia"
This was one of my favorite vocal warm-ups in highschool womens' choir. Filling the room with our lofty, heady, round voices; we would rise and fall up the scale impersonating Julia. I can do it pretty well actually.
What I can not do is make Boeuf Bourguignon. I'm not even gonna try.

I saw the movie "Julie and Julia" and I looooved it. It inspired me to start cooking..
well, that the fact that i have exceeded my budget in the "eating out" portion.

I make a kick ass Salmon. I discovered that about a week ago.
You must buy wild Salmon though... Coho is wild and is loaded with all the good stuff omega this and that.

These are some recipes I am going to try and make next:

1.Wild Salmon and Potatoe Casserole with Citrus-Herb vinaigrette
2. Fedelini with Tuna and Chickpeas
AND
3. Spiced Pork Tenderloin with Honey Mustard ( and yes i am now eating meat again..)

I'm excited to see how this turns out! Maybe i will discover a new love for being cooking! ehh..

Direction

After spending a little over 7 years in college i have realized how much energy was spent on not being sure.
Endless credit hours spent meandering through possibilities and repeated courses yet realizing i needed a little push.... a bit of a drive... some direction.
Ok, so I have been pursuing nursing for quite some time now. After 2 denials and jumping through the transcript circus hoop I have finally created the push i needed. I had to. No one else could do it for me.
So i finally got accepted into the nursing program! I am really excited. Well I am now. But the space of time between had me back and forth saying to myself, "no i really dont think i can do this... perhaps this isn't the field for me..." or others voices and opinions filling my head stifling any progress.
I'm nervous about money because of changes i need to make here at work. Im nervous about studying and time managment... because it will be a lot and im not really good at managing my study time. I'm nervous about failing. and yes i question everyday whether or not i would make a good nurse. But i guess i won't know until i try. and i think these fears are normal and ok. i just need to manage them and channel them as my drive.
For now im waiting for the nursing department to schedule my classes for the first semester... so im on pins and needles! this is teaching me patience.. and trust. I just wanna know already!
so that is my nursing update for now:) more will come soon.

I am thankful for direction.

Lemon Drops

I wish I had a lemon drop
To taste and savor on my tongue
the sweetness melts the bitterness
And cares fade away

The colorful arrangements seem
Like little hummingbirds to me
Singing little songs for you
And casting them away

Oh lemon drop
Oh lemon drop
I wish I had a lemon drop
If only to be seen or not
For everything I am

Oh lemon drop
Oh lemon drop
I wish I had a lemon drop
To cast my cares
Like lemon drops
and give you some i dare

What if you walked without swinging your arms?

Im gonna try it.

I thought this article was amusing and interesting. i like science and i can read about the human body all day long.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20090728/sc_afp/sciencearmsoffbeat

Didn't think it would take a "trio of specialists and scientist to nail down why we swing our arms when we walk." But im sure relieved that we now have an answer..

I encourage my students from stage all the time to raise their arms up as high as they can on a specific move thats choreographed with arms. I ask them why we do it.... they look at me puzzled and sweaty and miserable growling under their breath... shut the hell up little girl and slow down!

we have a love hate relationship.

some of them answer "because we have to"... then i say yes true... but its the closet thing to our heart so it raises our heart rate faster than any other part of our body. and the move would be really hard to do with out them.

i love arms.

and i love raising them up

and giving hugs

and holding babies

and dancing freely

and flexing strongly

they hold me up

they hold someone else

they raise my heart rate

and swing when i walk

they show my heart

Traveling Mercies

I just got back from a trip to Chattanooga Tennesee. The pictures above are a few from a place called Fall Creek Falls. There is just something about being in the mountains that frees my soul. Everything makes sense in the midst of confusion and crisis. I can best describe it like a lily pad that holds me lightly staying afloat... exactly were I am and where I need to be at that very moment.

I packed really light. 2 pairs of jeans, 3 shirts, and my hippie sandals made in brazil ( i bought them at urban outfitters). I didnt bring my moleskin and i wasnt interested in reading anything at all.. not the Bible not any kind of literature.. I just got on a plane with a carry-on and my purse and no expectations.

I visited a sweet friend. She and I had long talks and delicous healthy food made from scratch ( I am still figuring out how to do this at home). We experienced the serenity that nature brought each of us in our own individual way. We sat in the middle of a flowing creek among pointy rocks with our feet emersed in the cold refreshing water. There were many times that i just closed my eyes to hear all the sounds around me. The water, the wind, the leaves, the crickets.. I was taking it in. I rarely experience this at home and I'm sure that I could...I just dont take enough time. I dont make any time. I worry too much about everything else... everyone else. I worry so much that i dont believe in something that maybe i should. I worry that my spirituality is slowly dying because it has to as a result of inconsistency.

Even though i was sure not to get involved in reading anything spiritual this weekend, small sparks of interest ignited as I was intrigued by a book my friend had been reading called "Further thoughts on Faith" by Anne Lamott. First off, i really really like this author and I love her dread locks. She has and incredibly candid way of expressing her journey and life. She can be extremely reverent and irreverent all in the same breath. She is not afraid to say shit damn or even fuck. I feel more human when I read her story.

Not only do i feel more human but i feel comforted. Comforted by her writings because there is something so liberating when I start to realize that just beccause i have this set of thoughts in my head doesnt mean i am bound to it. Thank goodness. And i am guilty of confining my conflict. I take my spirituality and try it on like a pair of jeans searching for the perfect fit rather than holding it lightly and trusting that its a slow process and slow steps.. that it doesnt have to die and i dont have to be so scared.

I need other's perspectives, others' stories... those who have been through the muck of life and said "fuck it.. I give up..please take over"I also need the ability to glean. Glean from others instad of be threatened by... and their journeys and to be constantly mindful that my journey is mine and so are my beliefs and disbeliefs.

I think its funny that i started to read this book when i did. I was traveling and so was she.

I love pictures, and i love taking them. I especially like the picture above that is of a bridge and the forest. I can go right or left or stay on the bridge. There is an entire experience awaiting and so much i have to learn. It is so symbolic.

So i continue to travel and hope to experience mercy and grace and not be scared of it and it doesn't need to be so much of this horrific and tragic decline of loosing my faith because it feels extremely uncomfortable or blasphemous... instead i would like for it to be as though i am on a lily pad staying afloat exactly where i need to be.

Stardust

Wine meets coffee and beer with assorted muffins and cafe sandwiches. It's eclectic, artsy dark and colorful with a menu written in chalk. i like this coffee shop. A more than tipsy woman reccomended I have wine. She slurred that i was boring when she discovered that i ordered a soy hazelnut latte instead. Maybe next time i will have a glass of wine or a vegan muffin that captured my curiosity.

I met with a friend from not only highschool but middle school as well. We laughed as we reminisced old times and the way we use to look and how silent i was and how we could both relate with a lot of the same things.

I loved talking to her. she is really smart. I like smart people.

I have been scared of different perspectives. Especially if it's not what I am use to, not what I have been accustom to hearing.

The one thing I am not scared of is questions. I ask a lot of them. I have a sincere desire to learn. And i can sincerely admit that i have no earthly idea.

When I was little me and my best friend would watch movies during our summer breaks. She had this ability to sit quietly and patiently throughout the movie without any questions. It was as if she knew and watched with this quiet confidence. I on the other hand was envious of that ability and I found myself restless as the questions began to roll off my tongue. I was interrupting.

"Maybe because she felt she needed to escape. No that's her father's brother's second cousin. You'll see. Melissa, shhhh just watch."

I remember it so clearly. She was so annoyed. hehe.

I carry this into my adulthood. I am hoping it's a little more controlled and not as obtrusive.

Maybe I should stop relying on other people so much for answers and research for myself.

This is my next book i have decided to read:

A Question of Truth: Christianity and Homosexuality by Gareth Moore

sometimes i like to be lost. cause right when i realize i have arrived to a destination...i am reminded that I still have no clue.

i see patterns.

why do i flee so recklessly and fall so quickly. setting myself up for what? trying to be someone or whatever i think i should be..desperate for relief. to be known and to be noticed as such and such because of this or that without the faintest idea in the first place.

an extreme of two realms that bark like dogs. one needs to be killed. one needs to be nurtured. what if i threw them both out. what would happen if i took a chance to search within? a strength inside an unreliable self deeply entangled in struggle? how do i trust that? why is it that i want to be something so quickly? what are my intentions? perhaps a method of obtaining a new identity to replace the one which was lost. to walk on a solid ground and embrace tradition allures me everytime. within me lies deep questioning but the surface offers a different claim. i have an attachment to an outcome. i say this to cover that and before i continue i am wondering why i even said it in the first place. i forget that my heart is broken and instead of sitting still i want a fill. i want to be healed right now. an empty cup seeking to fill another. i ask myself if its real everyday. it makes sense. but then again i am not sure. why can't i be ok with not knowing. its because i need to be something. but silence seems active. its part of the process.

so my blogs wont be self help. or believe this or that. just an invitation of questions.