Today

Marks my 2 years with CorVel (the company i have been working for) as well as my last day!
How do i feel about this? Hmm.. well I'm scared and excited.

what scares me about all of this?

I will no longer be recieving a bi-weekly paycheck, at least for about 3 months or so and my entire routine is going to change!!! I am such a woman of routine. so for me, change is a bit cumbersome and i loathe it for a while..but then evenutally slip into a rhythm that fits me into a new routine.
How am I going to make $? Lots of jazzercise, dogsitting.. unless i can find a flexible gig that can bring in a steady paycheck.
this is a leap of faith.

what excites me about all of this?

I will be learning!! yay. i love to learn. and not just learn, but put it into practice.
i will be meeting new faces and making new friends building a support system for one another so we can succeed. this is a new concept for me because i do things a lot by myself. i study alone..i play the guitar alone..i read alone..
so this will be a socially awakening challenge... a challenge to rise up and help others and be interested in their lives.

I will be able to play my guitar more and focus on my music. i know it isnt relevent to nursing but this whole season i am entering into is not all about nursing. it's a new season. seasons bring lots of different colored leaves.

so there it is. for now at least...
I will write more about things as they come.

until then, i will be enjoying giovanni's pizza and cake from too-jays ordered for my last day here! :)

The Sound of Silence

Sitting in a place awaiting something
Pleading for a reason to believe
Understanding nothing but deciding
The sound of silence has to be the answer

Because it is
Something of a settling
Within my soul
The beauty and the dwelling
Unraveling a burning curiosity
That brings me back here

Returning to return and I come back
In hopes of some desired accomplishment
Wisdom sitting on my bed awaiting
But still the silence and the candle burns

Because it is

Something of a settling

Within my soul

The beauty and the dwelling

Unraveling a burning curiosity

That brings me back here

The aroma of this all too familiar place
That I created in hopes for something greater
And I don’t know if I will ever find
The answer
Except for silence
The sound of silence

Breathing in the solitude I wonder
If the unresolved remains sacred yet I ponder
What will come
Of this
The sound of silence
In my midst.
I decide within
I decide to trust
I decide I need to just release
And become.
and become

Boeuf Bourguignon

The first word is translated like "Beef" in the English language.

"I love cooking with Julia"
This was one of my favorite vocal warm-ups in highschool womens' choir. Filling the room with our lofty, heady, round voices; we would rise and fall up the scale impersonating Julia. I can do it pretty well actually.
What I can not do is make Boeuf Bourguignon. I'm not even gonna try.

I saw the movie "Julie and Julia" and I looooved it. It inspired me to start cooking..
well, that the fact that i have exceeded my budget in the "eating out" portion.

I make a kick ass Salmon. I discovered that about a week ago.
You must buy wild Salmon though... Coho is wild and is loaded with all the good stuff omega this and that.

These are some recipes I am going to try and make next:

1.Wild Salmon and Potatoe Casserole with Citrus-Herb vinaigrette
2. Fedelini with Tuna and Chickpeas
AND
3. Spiced Pork Tenderloin with Honey Mustard ( and yes i am now eating meat again..)

I'm excited to see how this turns out! Maybe i will discover a new love for being cooking! ehh..

Direction

After spending a little over 7 years in college i have realized how much energy was spent on not being sure.
Endless credit hours spent meandering through possibilities and repeated courses yet realizing i needed a little push.... a bit of a drive... some direction.
Ok, so I have been pursuing nursing for quite some time now. After 2 denials and jumping through the transcript circus hoop I have finally created the push i needed. I had to. No one else could do it for me.
So i finally got accepted into the nursing program! I am really excited. Well I am now. But the space of time between had me back and forth saying to myself, "no i really dont think i can do this... perhaps this isn't the field for me..." or others voices and opinions filling my head stifling any progress.
I'm nervous about money because of changes i need to make here at work. Im nervous about studying and time managment... because it will be a lot and im not really good at managing my study time. I'm nervous about failing. and yes i question everyday whether or not i would make a good nurse. But i guess i won't know until i try. and i think these fears are normal and ok. i just need to manage them and channel them as my drive.
For now im waiting for the nursing department to schedule my classes for the first semester... so im on pins and needles! this is teaching me patience.. and trust. I just wanna know already!
so that is my nursing update for now:) more will come soon.

I am thankful for direction.

Lemon Drops

I wish I had a lemon drop
To taste and savor on my tongue
the sweetness melts the bitterness
And cares fade away

The colorful arrangements seem
Like little hummingbirds to me
Singing little songs for you
And casting them away

Oh lemon drop
Oh lemon drop
I wish I had a lemon drop
If only to be seen or not
For everything I am

Oh lemon drop
Oh lemon drop
I wish I had a lemon drop
To cast my cares
Like lemon drops
and give you some i dare

What if you walked without swinging your arms?

Im gonna try it.

I thought this article was amusing and interesting. i like science and i can read about the human body all day long.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20090728/sc_afp/sciencearmsoffbeat

Didn't think it would take a "trio of specialists and scientist to nail down why we swing our arms when we walk." But im sure relieved that we now have an answer..

I encourage my students from stage all the time to raise their arms up as high as they can on a specific move thats choreographed with arms. I ask them why we do it.... they look at me puzzled and sweaty and miserable growling under their breath... shut the hell up little girl and slow down!

we have a love hate relationship.

some of them answer "because we have to"... then i say yes true... but its the closet thing to our heart so it raises our heart rate faster than any other part of our body. and the move would be really hard to do with out them.

i love arms.

and i love raising them up

and giving hugs

and holding babies

and dancing freely

and flexing strongly

they hold me up

they hold someone else

they raise my heart rate

and swing when i walk

they show my heart

Traveling Mercies

I just got back from a trip to Chattanooga Tennesee. The pictures above are a few from a place called Fall Creek Falls. There is just something about being in the mountains that frees my soul. Everything makes sense in the midst of confusion and crisis. I can best describe it like a lily pad that holds me lightly staying afloat... exactly were I am and where I need to be at that very moment.

I packed really light. 2 pairs of jeans, 3 shirts, and my hippie sandals made in brazil ( i bought them at urban outfitters). I didnt bring my moleskin and i wasnt interested in reading anything at all.. not the Bible not any kind of literature.. I just got on a plane with a carry-on and my purse and no expectations.

I visited a sweet friend. She and I had long talks and delicous healthy food made from scratch ( I am still figuring out how to do this at home). We experienced the serenity that nature brought each of us in our own individual way. We sat in the middle of a flowing creek among pointy rocks with our feet emersed in the cold refreshing water. There were many times that i just closed my eyes to hear all the sounds around me. The water, the wind, the leaves, the crickets.. I was taking it in. I rarely experience this at home and I'm sure that I could...I just dont take enough time. I dont make any time. I worry too much about everything else... everyone else. I worry so much that i dont believe in something that maybe i should. I worry that my spirituality is slowly dying because it has to as a result of inconsistency.

Even though i was sure not to get involved in reading anything spiritual this weekend, small sparks of interest ignited as I was intrigued by a book my friend had been reading called "Further thoughts on Faith" by Anne Lamott. First off, i really really like this author and I love her dread locks. She has and incredibly candid way of expressing her journey and life. She can be extremely reverent and irreverent all in the same breath. She is not afraid to say shit damn or even fuck. I feel more human when I read her story.

Not only do i feel more human but i feel comforted. Comforted by her writings because there is something so liberating when I start to realize that just beccause i have this set of thoughts in my head doesnt mean i am bound to it. Thank goodness. And i am guilty of confining my conflict. I take my spirituality and try it on like a pair of jeans searching for the perfect fit rather than holding it lightly and trusting that its a slow process and slow steps.. that it doesnt have to die and i dont have to be so scared.

I need other's perspectives, others' stories... those who have been through the muck of life and said "fuck it.. I give up..please take over"I also need the ability to glean. Glean from others instad of be threatened by... and their journeys and to be constantly mindful that my journey is mine and so are my beliefs and disbeliefs.

I think its funny that i started to read this book when i did. I was traveling and so was she.

I love pictures, and i love taking them. I especially like the picture above that is of a bridge and the forest. I can go right or left or stay on the bridge. There is an entire experience awaiting and so much i have to learn. It is so symbolic.

So i continue to travel and hope to experience mercy and grace and not be scared of it and it doesn't need to be so much of this horrific and tragic decline of loosing my faith because it feels extremely uncomfortable or blasphemous... instead i would like for it to be as though i am on a lily pad staying afloat exactly where i need to be.