Something I read.

Because i love to read. and i intentionally search for nuggets of wisdom that resonate and remind me of beautiful things. If it really sticks i must write it down. An index card will do. Then slap it on my wall. Food for the soul.

I found this and i thought it was a sweet little reminder.
Sometimes its simple. And usually the simple is simply profound.

I flipped back in my journal to 10/27/2010 at approximately 8:14 am. haha. I record everything..

I wrote this:

avoid FEAR- False evidence that appears real.
keep a journal- (i think i've got this down) :)
Be impeccable with your words.- words are powerful.
Do not assume you understand another's motivations or reasons.
Don't take it personally.
Do your best.
Believe little of what you hear and 50% of what you read (so half of what i say on this blog is bullshit. haha! ) the other half hide in your heart ;)
Do your research!
Know the difference between spontaneous and impulsive. hmmm. yes.
Find at least one wise friend. The requirement is that he or she must be 30 or more years older.
I have one.. and i don't know if she reads my blogs.. but Linda Montgomery, you are her. :)
thank you for your words of wonderfulness. they bring me so much freedom to be exactly who i am :)

A dream and things

My mind has been preoccupied with so many things. It's been hard to wrap my brain around all of these medications I need to know for my pharmacology test on Friday. All the words jumble together. Carvi..levado..valiu...pro..cardiz..arp..pril. so i gave up studying yesterday. I will attempt to try again today. hopefully with a clearer mind.

it's crazy how this rollercoaster of life and emotions rises and falls. I was on a roll with school and studying. writing about giving what you do worth and passion...then i hit a brick wall and find myself not giving two shits.
i was telling my mom that yesterday evening. She said it was normal. A part of life.
I guess that's why we appreciate things then. because it takes a season of meddling through a bit of apathy on our part to then become something of worth. I wouldn't know otherwise.

So i had this crazy lucid dream last night about my grandfather. I call him Papa.
Have you ever had a dream to then wake up the next morning heavy hearted? oh ya...i'm sure. Good or bad.. or what the hell was that about?! Yup.

Loss has been on my mind lately. A dear friend of mine past away last week. He battled cancer and fought the good fight.. now he is resting.
I have been thinking about him a lot lately. Which has also reminded me of my Papa.
He, along with my grandmother (who I call Tuti) have been at the nursing home facility for several years now. I have witness their deterioration over time. I have purposely avoided them for a while and then more recently have been very much involved in their care, and now i have stepped back again because my mom hired someone to be their caregiver. I think that was better. Maybe. I go back and forth.
Anyways.. it hasn't really hit me until now. Moreso my Papa.
A man who once was full of life. The life of the party. He would talk to anyone anywhere, make friends with perfect strangers. Fart and be rude and make us laugh...take me and my brother on field trips to the Orlando airport just to watch people walk by.
Now bound to a wheel chair.. prisoner of pressure ulcers taking over his frail body.

Last night I had a dream that i was walking (not sure where) but out of no where, Papa came along side me.. walking, strong, younger. He was wearing white pants and a vividly green shirt with a pair of brown snake skin boots. He actually wore things like that when he was younger.
it was surreal.

Then i woke up. My mind stricken with the reality of death and dying and loosing someone dear.
I have no idea how to really process the dying process.. or what I should do. We learn theories and the grief process in nursing but you never really know when it's your family, or someone dear.

I guess all i can do is go visit him.

Dear John

i dedicate this blog entry to you.
i have no words to articulate.
i have no clue what to say.
but your life is and will continue to be celebrated.

you have inspired so many.
the teacher of the ultimate fight.
life.
you have inspired me.

Cat.
I love you.
you are amazing.
strong.
brave.
incredible.
and i just want to give you a huge hug.

I'm sitting here in the hallway at school. On the floor. Exhausted, but surprisingly rejuvenated! We have a break and I'm taking advantage of this time to decompress. I'm liking this. The first half of my day was demonstrating trach suctioning and cleaning. Then we had this simulation. A unrehearsed scenerio. I'm the nurse...and GO. Like a performance. and I like to perform.

Things are making sense. They're comin together. Light bulbs are flashing!

What I've learned these past few weeks is that i have to give worth to what I do. I may not want to do it.. and it's hard work.. but when I give it my worth, my time, my care, my effort, and responsibility the outcome has been so successful. Really and truly.

Nursing 2 is ALMOST over.. and i can not wait until these next 4 weeks are over.

Act as if....

You are great.

You are capable.

You are incredibly valuable.

What you are doing matters.

Here is now. Not tomorrow or yesterday.

I have another 4 hrs to go. I can't look beyond this semester... even though i get so carried away and worry about what's next. All i can focus on is these next 4 hrs. Kind of like our simulation. What you do that very moment with your patient is the focus. Then re-assess. Again and again.

Amy Steinberg "Exactly"

When I'm inspired by music, I have to share. This is a great song.. Listen to the lyrics and I hope it brings you encouragement :)

It does for me ...everytime.

Journal on Pavement

I teach aerobics. I love yoga. But there is nothing like running.

Nothing clears your head like a good, hard run.

It's empowering.

Today I was reminded of this:

It's like a journal on pavement..

broke... I run

happy...I run

sad...I run

frustrated...I run

want control in my life...I run

want sexier legs..I RUN! haha

I'm a woman, what can i say.

I forget how much i need to do this.

So i'm going to keep doing it.

Because of You

I have been moved.. moved by this disease. Moved by the person who is fighing it... moved by what i see at the hospital. Moved my an amazing wife..an amazing story.

so much that i really think i want to be an oncology nurse.
i had this pressing feeling come over me last week.. a prompting. something i simply can't ignore.

i want to help celebrate a life.. to walk alongside..to care for and cry with..

Because of you I am inspired to be a nurse.