Tis a Gift

Tis a gift to receive a gift and a gift to give one.~me

both parties benefit. both being overflowed with joy watching one anothers' reaction. you can't help but revel.

A Gift...

pre- meditated. thought provoking. because you love them. preperation. spontaneity. creativity. knowing. helping. just because. expression. unexpected. special. healing.

so many different facets of a gift. as well as the facets of a gift giver. why do we give?

because its an expression of ourselves? because we want someone to know we care and we know the things that they like. or because its a way to communicate something that words can't always express. because they are sick and giving a gift brings light and life to their body and heart.

here's an example; so this picture is a gift i just got this week from my new roommate Rachel.

she went to this home goods store and came across this little wooden painting. her exact words "Melissa.. i HAD to get this.. it just reminded me of you sitting and meditating, like you love to do. and i know you love yoga."

She was right. i absolutely loved it. She gave me the gift but we both squeeled like school girls with excitement because it was perfect and she knew it too.

the colors match the walls and my side tables.. the picture brings everything in my room together!

there is another element to giving that is also cool.

mystery.

when you give something.. like your clothes and you have no idea who is going to wear it but someone will. someone will be clothed because of you.

then there is a the gift of presence. and i think this is the most powerful of all.

The gift of you. Yourself. Just being there.

that's huge and we often forget that.

Better People, India Arie

Love love India Arie. Her lyrics are simply profound and empowering.

I'm going to miss this place.

Grassy Point, you will be missed. It is this very spot, however, that I will miss the most. Many contemplative moments where spent here. It was this lake where sorrows were plunged and joy was picked up. Songs were written, prayers were prayed...

I am moving yet again.

I am excited and I am sad. Sad because i will miss living with my roommate who has become like a sister to me. The laughs, the sillyness, the deep conversations, the hugs, the shared tears..the dance competitions and the fights over who will take out the trash. haha. I love you Jess.

Packing.

I don't know about you but there is something that always comes over me when I stand, wiping my brow, sneezing out the last remnants of dust particles.. looking around at the pool of boxes. I always cry.

Why?

These boxes are reminding me of this..

The past and the future. My thoughts are trapped in these two places. Always.

So as I ask myself many times.. "Melissa, what can you learn?" Because everything has meaning..everything is spiritual.

I want to be excited. I don't want to focus too much on being fearful of what may or may not happen. I want to look back and smile but not dwell. I want to have a spirit of contentment right now. Here, at this very moment, in the midst of packed boxes and the rain storm that's keeping me from going anywhere right now.

"Rejoice in the things that are present; all else is beyond thee." ~Montaigne

SANE Center Opens at Stony Brook University Medical Center

SANE. A sexual assault nurse examiner.

This is a program i learned about today. My future roommate is a nurse, and not just A nurse but an incredibly skilled and passionate one at that. She furthered her education to become a forensic nurse and now has the opportunity to work with this incredible organization for women who have been raped.

Not only do these nurses provide a safe place for these women to come and be thoroughly examined, but they are crucial in the investigation process to bring justice.

This video mentions that a victim of rape that goes directly to the ER can wait for hours and perhaps not get the immediate help and specific attention needed. Which is why I love that this program is in place with skilled nurses, therapists, doctors right at the bedside.

I'm proud of her. And I am so glad she will be doing this..

Inspired by my bookshelf and outside.

I wrote a new song. Interesting how this came together. A simple bookshelf and the outdoors creates a story for a song.

She calls herself a little woman. The star of the sea.

Building her secret garden beneath a spiraling tree.

Can you keep a secret? she asks.. to then her dragon's reveal.

To own. To feel. It's real.

But the crane he sits still like her looking out upon the field.

As though he was there for the same reason.

Giving thanks for the pain.

Giving thanks for the pain.

And she sings.. la la la la

she sings..la la la la

And the.. la la la la..

Makes everything better.

Contemplation carries her to

But the tree and his branches is the move

You can not get to the castle until

You swim, You sweat, Plow through

And she sings...la la la la

she sings..la la la la

And the.. la la la la

Makes everything better....

It makes everything better..

Repeat, Try again, Second chance.

Life is full of these.

So I've been in a writing mood these past couple of days.. i don't normally post this much at once but i have been very contemplative during my time off from school, and purposefully so. I've had a lot to think about especially when it comes to school.

Nursing school has been challenging, enlightening and disheartening.

I was riding the "enlightening wave" for some time and then hit challenge head on full speed ahead with a knock down of discouragement that left me a bit disenchanted with this whole idea of being a nurse. A tough teacher who told me she is keeping me back a semester...A teacher who questioned whether or not i should be doing this.. A teacher who told me i had a lot to think about these next three weeks on my break.

So I am thinking..contemplating..

What if this type of thing didn't happen? We would really never feel the need to stop and wrestle..

So it definitely has been a catalyst.

It's taken me on a tailspin of thoughts and what could be's or what if's... but that can last forever and it certainly takes way too much space in the brain.. i need to leave room for other things!

So what do i do?

Wait for the cheesyness..

I watch an episode of Mercy. haha. It's your typical "ER"-"Grey's Anatomy" or "Boston Med" type show, but it focuses on nurses. wam bam, thank you mam. Finally.

Ok, so I'm watching this show.. and there is this girl that i totally identify with. She is new on the team..a graduate nurse, fresh outa school with a masters even.

She has absolutely no clue what she's doing...

But there is one thing she has, and it's so evident. Passion.

On her first day, her patient coded and all she knew to do was scream and cry out for help. The medical team rapidly responded with all the tubes and oxygen nessecary for resistation..

Then towards the end of the episode it shows this nurse visiting the patients room. the patient, a young 15 year old hanging by a thread was accompanied by his mother who just sat there numb staring at her son.

the nurse grabs a box of tissues, pulls a chair beside her...and they both began to cry.

so of course i am now shit faced crying too.. oh geez.

It made me think.

Skill. Emotion.

It takes time to learn a skill. Nothing comes easy.. and it's part of the process. It's unavoidable. It's not always fun.. and it sure can be quite a daunting and intimidating task.

Just like a teacher. Grading papers. Dealing with difficult parents. Non-complaint students..

Just like a manager.

Every career-trade-vocation has so many challenges.

But i can't rely soley on emotion.. I need skill. I need to get through the tough stuff and I can make a difference too.. they go hand in hand. And here I am trying to seperate the two which makes it so difficult to de-code this grand mystery of whether i am on the right career path.

So I will repeat Nursing II.

THE BUDDHA | MEDITATION | PBS

There has been a deep desire within my heart to seek and question my own spiritual path.

It hasn't been easy and I have encountered blurs of thick convoluted patches that have left me somewhat stagnate. But the stillness forced me to really ask myself what this was all about. What did this mean? Where was I going? What do people think?

I say "was"...but I mean "am". This is current.

The only difference now is my motivation.

Another difference is the questions i felt were too threatening to ask are no longer. Not only are they non-threatening but they are essential to the process. I can not learn if I am afraid to ask questions. And if I can't learn then I can't move. If i don't feel the freedom to venture into something totally different then I'm cheating myself and my spirit...

It's because something in us cares. We care so much to even know why something is wrong so we can make sense of truth. At least that's how I see it.

I seriously have so many questions. When I think about all these questions there always seems to be a small dose of grief that is stimulates and arises within my soul. I don't believe that grief is bad. I believe that it can either be dealt with or not. So how is it dealt with?

I sit. I pray. I feel. I think. I cry. I speak out loud.

I'm dealin.

A few weeks back I wrote a post on prayer.

I have been really pressed to figure out why I pray..not to whom. and i don't know about you, but for me, that changes everything. I feel like its real for the first time.

I have not arrived at a "camp site" so to speak. But those who do settle at a site require a certain amount of faith. Whether you are atheist, christian, agnostic, pagan.. faith is involved.

Sometimes i just want to surrender questions because I don't want to get so caught up in them that i forget to live. So i'll settle for living in them.

What is the purpose of life?

Amy Steinberg said at the coffee house last night.. "Just Live".

Ok..

So i continue. It takes the pressure off a bit. But i still struggle with what to do about where to go and what to believe.

But I am glad I am surrounded by amazing souls and pens and journals and guitars ready to inspire each and every step.