Exposed

you live and die by principles.

i live and die by love and relationships.

i appreciate theology and doctrine.

it has taught me a great deal.

but the heartbeat of my life is community.

i am connected.

i dont have to agree but at least i can understand.

it's so hard to understand something when you don't know someone.

i feel as though you don't know me.

and frankly, i don't really know you.

you say i changed, and you are correct. thank god i did.

i went from being an isolated, painfully shy, insecure individual to who i am now.

i know there are things i still don't know but i am free to be.

just be.

and learn and grow and evolve.

do you know me?

i still believe in god. just different. i believe in the divinity in all of us.

christ died not because we were powerless but to empower us.

that has transformed my thinking.

that is what i believe.

i know you disagree.

that's ok.

bottom line is.... i love you.

so maybe we can talk face to face sometime.

for me, all i want is to know you and for you to know me.

no destination or expectation.

love,

mel

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oTbObag1r0I&feature=related

Cardboard Love

Got some card board hangin around?? Before you throw it in your recycling pile... try making a collage!

Enjoy the great outdoors... some music and scissors!

Thirty and Things

Oh my gosh, Arnold Oatnut bread is amazing. So is being thirty.
Buy one get ones at Publix excite me. This is what thirty feels like.
It's the simple things that stir me up. It's the simple things that make me want more things simple. Simple so I can stretch and breathe into myself, into my life, into my surroundings.

I just finished a really awesome book by Sarah Sentilles, "Breaking Up with God." I remember looking at the title and feeling a tinge of rebellion surge through my body... a curiosity coupled with questions of whether or not this could be dangerous. I had already developed empathy by just looking at the cover, an excerpt of my own. "Oh yes, this will be dangerous, encouraging, similar and liberating!" Indeed it was. Minus the dangerous part. I only included that word because I know, in fact I am sure other people of faith might be worried, might be concerned. Why do I do that?

So I am deconstructing and reconstructing an imaginative construction.
I think I've been doing that for quite some time now. Years in fact. But there is something about feeling the freedom and knowing the peace to believe in your imaginative creativity. To believe and know that it is worthy and valid and yours. Although someone may tell you otherwise and caution you of the dangers of relativism, it's ok. At least I think it's ok because I still have me and my imagination. I can always go back to my painting. The painting of my experience which has formed my imaginative construction called faith.

It's simple to me. It's not scary. It's exciting. You know why? Cause I get to read more awesome books and learn more awesome things.
Next on my list:

The Mermaid Chair by Sue Monk Kidd.

It's hot in here

attempting an inhalation

to fill the lungs

retaining...

but i want to exhale

the air that fills supposedly

clearing the mesh of what seems to

be...

ongoing

sit still...

the pinch of tension reminds me

i feel...

contemplative space create

a consciousness of

blackness

spaced stratigcally between the striations of

subtle color

eyes wide shut

how come?

why do i?

why can't i?

seperate

no need

don't kill

be still

include

revere

the answer is

the

breath....

Backwards

The secret decoded.

I am energy.

So are you. So is everything around me.

How have I connected to this energy within me?

Life is backwards.

For so long my mind has operated in a systematic way.
I take information in.
I filter it.
I kill it with my preconceived whatevers.

Instead why not
Let the energy in..
Feel it.. Sit in it for a while..
Let it speak to me.
I have an example. A great example:

I am no longer in nursing school. I know this is like beating a dead horse but it takes up space in my head and it's starting to pay rent. No thank you. What do i do with my life now? If i were to go back to school, which career do i choose?

I discovered the way I think is through music. the way i relate to people is through music.
It's how i live and breathe.
That's what my energy healer revealed to me.

so instead of driving myself crazy, instead of saying "well that isn't gonna make me enough $"...

don't answer. Just write music for now. let the music you write speak to you. that's it.
ah. i teared up.
I've been doing that. I don't know what i would do if I didn't.
it's one thing to write..but to actually cultivate it, to tend to it on a regular basis. To BELIEVE in it.

like food for my body. That's the difference.

i am creating my own blockage by not letting energy move through me.
Fear, the insecurity of failure has stifled my solar plexus.
It makes sense. If only to move backwards. To find what speaks to you and what brings you to your higher self.
For me, that's music.
For now, I write and sing :)

My yoga musings

I'm drinkin some hot tea. Wild sweet orange to be exact. mmm. A juicy blend of lemongrass, citrus herbs, licorice root and orange essences... Tazo wrote that. I would have to agree, although my description would be something like, " a surprisingly wild and sweet orange-y taste. an unexpected tang on the tongue." haha.

ok so this has been an interesting past few weeks for me. The entire month of June has been consumed with yoga. I love it. My abs love it. my arms embrace the bilateral bruises from the many crow poses i've challenged my body into. Battle scars.
my first week i had to wrap both of my big toes because of blisters from the hot yoga.
The heat during hot yoga is insane. at times i feel as though i am forcefully inhaling a breath in hopes for it to cool the internal fire. its so damn hot. there have been times within my practice that i'd be in another plank... another god-damn plank and my arms and shoulders were shouting.. screaming.. pleading with me to let my body feel the sweet release of face planting on my mat. so i did. and i got back up. sweat all over the place i could doggie paddle around the perimeter of my mat.

The physical practice is exciting and exhausting but i love what it does.. I love how i feel.
Spiritually, I have always gravitated towards this practice because of the discipline it teaches my mind as well as my body, not to be a drill sergeant but to become aware.
awareness. a maintance of sorts. a unification... a grace.
a language. sanskrit. words like ahimsa, which mean love and non-violence.
santosha, the ease of heart..contentment.

I find the practice of meditation to be the most challenging. and of course, this is foundational in yoga. it's all encompassing. and it's incredibly difficult! all i can think of is every itch i want to scratch and the throbbing senstations i feel in my hip. but i show up. and i try not to expect enlightenment or much of anything really. just another opportunity to breathe.

my diet hasn't changed much. other than i want to eat more. haha. that's another difficult battle. do i choose veganism again? this time i'll do it right. do i eat meat? do i just eat fish?
a broken record of a clusterfucked food pyramid rollin around in my head. so i choose moderation, balance. and that's hard because i want to do something and do it right but not at my body's expense.. i've had to learn this the hard way.

this yoga journey is quite the experience. i am really excited to share this and teach this hollistic practice. whole-istic. it really is that.
a kick in the ass workout.. with some lengthening stretches that feel like the best massage ever...and an enlightening restful and refreshing spiritual experience.
yup.
i like it.