It's hot in here

attempting an inhalation

to fill the lungs

retaining...

but i want to exhale

the air that fills supposedly

clearing the mesh of what seems to

be...

ongoing

sit still...

the pinch of tension reminds me

i feel...

contemplative space create

a consciousness of

blackness

spaced stratigcally between the striations of

subtle color

eyes wide shut

how come?

why do i?

why can't i?

seperate

no need

don't kill

be still

include

revere

the answer is

the

breath....

Backwards

The secret decoded.

I am energy.

So are you. So is everything around me.

How have I connected to this energy within me?

Life is backwards.

For so long my mind has operated in a systematic way.
I take information in.
I filter it.
I kill it with my preconceived whatevers.

Instead why not
Let the energy in..
Feel it.. Sit in it for a while..
Let it speak to me.
I have an example. A great example:

I am no longer in nursing school. I know this is like beating a dead horse but it takes up space in my head and it's starting to pay rent. No thank you. What do i do with my life now? If i were to go back to school, which career do i choose?

I discovered the way I think is through music. the way i relate to people is through music.
It's how i live and breathe.
That's what my energy healer revealed to me.

so instead of driving myself crazy, instead of saying "well that isn't gonna make me enough $"...

don't answer. Just write music for now. let the music you write speak to you. that's it.
ah. i teared up.
I've been doing that. I don't know what i would do if I didn't.
it's one thing to write..but to actually cultivate it, to tend to it on a regular basis. To BELIEVE in it.

like food for my body. That's the difference.

i am creating my own blockage by not letting energy move through me.
Fear, the insecurity of failure has stifled my solar plexus.
It makes sense. If only to move backwards. To find what speaks to you and what brings you to your higher self.
For me, that's music.
For now, I write and sing :)

My yoga musings

I'm drinkin some hot tea. Wild sweet orange to be exact. mmm. A juicy blend of lemongrass, citrus herbs, licorice root and orange essences... Tazo wrote that. I would have to agree, although my description would be something like, " a surprisingly wild and sweet orange-y taste. an unexpected tang on the tongue." haha.

ok so this has been an interesting past few weeks for me. The entire month of June has been consumed with yoga. I love it. My abs love it. my arms embrace the bilateral bruises from the many crow poses i've challenged my body into. Battle scars.
my first week i had to wrap both of my big toes because of blisters from the hot yoga.
The heat during hot yoga is insane. at times i feel as though i am forcefully inhaling a breath in hopes for it to cool the internal fire. its so damn hot. there have been times within my practice that i'd be in another plank... another god-damn plank and my arms and shoulders were shouting.. screaming.. pleading with me to let my body feel the sweet release of face planting on my mat. so i did. and i got back up. sweat all over the place i could doggie paddle around the perimeter of my mat.

The physical practice is exciting and exhausting but i love what it does.. I love how i feel.
Spiritually, I have always gravitated towards this practice because of the discipline it teaches my mind as well as my body, not to be a drill sergeant but to become aware.
awareness. a maintance of sorts. a unification... a grace.
a language. sanskrit. words like ahimsa, which mean love and non-violence.
santosha, the ease of heart..contentment.

I find the practice of meditation to be the most challenging. and of course, this is foundational in yoga. it's all encompassing. and it's incredibly difficult! all i can think of is every itch i want to scratch and the throbbing senstations i feel in my hip. but i show up. and i try not to expect enlightenment or much of anything really. just another opportunity to breathe.

my diet hasn't changed much. other than i want to eat more. haha. that's another difficult battle. do i choose veganism again? this time i'll do it right. do i eat meat? do i just eat fish?
a broken record of a clusterfucked food pyramid rollin around in my head. so i choose moderation, balance. and that's hard because i want to do something and do it right but not at my body's expense.. i've had to learn this the hard way.

this yoga journey is quite the experience. i am really excited to share this and teach this hollistic practice. whole-istic. it really is that.
a kick in the ass workout.. with some lengthening stretches that feel like the best massage ever...and an enlightening restful and refreshing spiritual experience.
yup.
i like it.

Different shoes

Like a whisper.. faint, mysteriously easing it's way into your conscious.. the very breath of your spirit. Hey, hey you, you know that you are a miracle? A miracle worker? A divine force of compassion and love. Did you know? Do you know?
And then you breathe it in.

The old saying "karma is such a bitch" is used a lot in our society. But what if the intention was changed... tweeked a bit. What if it were perhaps like wearing a different pair of shoes?
Sure it may feel like a bitch but if we take the bitterness out and allow ourselves to feel and extend grace it may be more redemptive. At least it will allow for redemption. Redemption within ourselves, for ourselves, our souls, our spirit.

Instead of.. this is what I deserve because of "fill in the blank".
Why not; wow, now I know how that feels. Feel it and let it go. Thank the Universe for allowing those shoes to be worn. And be better for having walked in them. Give whatever it may be a divine kiss and release it.
Even if...even if the outcome is not what we expect or hope for.

You are a miracle worker.

Creative Space

A deviation that leads me into a space, a creative one of course. I think of the root of that word; create.

I have no idea what will come of this. It's scary to think that a plan I had envisioned for myself has taken a sharp turn into a different space. A lucrative plan...a plan that would lead to independence and credibility.
I am practicing the skill of not entertaining the frequent occurring feelings of inadequacy. Nursing school didn't work out.
Where does this lead me?
Well, for quite some time now I've had this strong desire to pursue yoga training. I just couldn't do it while in school. I figured I needed to get my "shit together" get a good job..and then I could pursue my dreams of headstands and asanas in the sky.
Interesting when things don't go according to plan. I may not make as much money doing yoga compared to nursing. I may make more. who knows. but I am excited to live in the passion and space that comes a bit more natural to me. That doesn't exclude the hard work this physical practice is going to require. But at least the questions on our test won't be choose the BEST answer multiple choice! That i don't miss for a second.

Practice for today:
Be confident in your space.

I love this kid

How To Be Alone