Repeat, Try again, Second chance.

Life is full of these.

So I've been in a writing mood these past couple of days.. i don't normally post this much at once but i have been very contemplative during my time off from school, and purposefully so. I've had a lot to think about especially when it comes to school.

Nursing school has been challenging, enlightening and disheartening.

I was riding the "enlightening wave" for some time and then hit challenge head on full speed ahead with a knock down of discouragement that left me a bit disenchanted with this whole idea of being a nurse. A tough teacher who told me she is keeping me back a semester...A teacher who questioned whether or not i should be doing this.. A teacher who told me i had a lot to think about these next three weeks on my break.

So I am thinking..contemplating..

What if this type of thing didn't happen? We would really never feel the need to stop and wrestle..

So it definitely has been a catalyst.

It's taken me on a tailspin of thoughts and what could be's or what if's... but that can last forever and it certainly takes way too much space in the brain.. i need to leave room for other things!

So what do i do?

Wait for the cheesyness..

I watch an episode of Mercy. haha. It's your typical "ER"-"Grey's Anatomy" or "Boston Med" type show, but it focuses on nurses. wam bam, thank you mam. Finally.

Ok, so I'm watching this show.. and there is this girl that i totally identify with. She is new on the team..a graduate nurse, fresh outa school with a masters even.

She has absolutely no clue what she's doing...

But there is one thing she has, and it's so evident. Passion.

On her first day, her patient coded and all she knew to do was scream and cry out for help. The medical team rapidly responded with all the tubes and oxygen nessecary for resistation..

Then towards the end of the episode it shows this nurse visiting the patients room. the patient, a young 15 year old hanging by a thread was accompanied by his mother who just sat there numb staring at her son.

the nurse grabs a box of tissues, pulls a chair beside her...and they both began to cry.

so of course i am now shit faced crying too.. oh geez.

It made me think.

Skill. Emotion.

It takes time to learn a skill. Nothing comes easy.. and it's part of the process. It's unavoidable. It's not always fun.. and it sure can be quite a daunting and intimidating task.

Just like a teacher. Grading papers. Dealing with difficult parents. Non-complaint students..

Just like a manager.

Every career-trade-vocation has so many challenges.

But i can't rely soley on emotion.. I need skill. I need to get through the tough stuff and I can make a difference too.. they go hand in hand. And here I am trying to seperate the two which makes it so difficult to de-code this grand mystery of whether i am on the right career path.

So I will repeat Nursing II.

THE BUDDHA | MEDITATION | PBS

There has been a deep desire within my heart to seek and question my own spiritual path.

It hasn't been easy and I have encountered blurs of thick convoluted patches that have left me somewhat stagnate. But the stillness forced me to really ask myself what this was all about. What did this mean? Where was I going? What do people think?

I say "was"...but I mean "am". This is current.

The only difference now is my motivation.

Another difference is the questions i felt were too threatening to ask are no longer. Not only are they non-threatening but they are essential to the process. I can not learn if I am afraid to ask questions. And if I can't learn then I can't move. If i don't feel the freedom to venture into something totally different then I'm cheating myself and my spirit...

It's because something in us cares. We care so much to even know why something is wrong so we can make sense of truth. At least that's how I see it.

I seriously have so many questions. When I think about all these questions there always seems to be a small dose of grief that is stimulates and arises within my soul. I don't believe that grief is bad. I believe that it can either be dealt with or not. So how is it dealt with?

I sit. I pray. I feel. I think. I cry. I speak out loud.

I'm dealin.

A few weeks back I wrote a post on prayer.

I have been really pressed to figure out why I pray..not to whom. and i don't know about you, but for me, that changes everything. I feel like its real for the first time.

I have not arrived at a "camp site" so to speak. But those who do settle at a site require a certain amount of faith. Whether you are atheist, christian, agnostic, pagan.. faith is involved.

Sometimes i just want to surrender questions because I don't want to get so caught up in them that i forget to live. So i'll settle for living in them.

What is the purpose of life?

Amy Steinberg said at the coffee house last night.. "Just Live".

Ok..

So i continue. It takes the pressure off a bit. But i still struggle with what to do about where to go and what to believe.

But I am glad I am surrounded by amazing souls and pens and journals and guitars ready to inspire each and every step.

Home Birth : Orgasmic Labor Birth

What does your mind immediately think when you read this title.. "what?? how can that be possible?" isn't that inappropriate?! Not happenin to me!!

i'll admit that at first i was a bit uncomfortable..

but it makes sense.. and it's interesting to see the how the enviroment stimulates the mother to completely relax for this to occur. Not only inducing relaxation but this helps with birthing pains!

The orgasmic experience.. not just an outcome from sexual pleasure but a physiological response to protect or perhaps as a defense mechanims from severe pain?

hmm.

something to think about...

Bringing words to Life

Direction....Lead

Confidence....Initiate

Perseverance....Continue

Consistancy....Remain

Passion....Ignite

Understanding....Connect

Strength....Build

Willingness....Move



Direction, lead me with the confidence that initiates perseverance continuing to remain constant to the passions that ignite inside of me with the understanding that connects, building strength and the willingness to move.

I'm afraid you have a perfect body

eyes to pierce and see into the soul..

and lashes to catch the tears..

a mouth to pucker and kiss and nourish..

a smile that radiates and cares..

crow's feet and laugh lines as proof..

goosebumps for every chill and shivers to keep you warm..

shoulders for confidence that crave a sense of belonging..

a heart to feel, to beat, to share and a chest to keep it sacred..

curves for a fun adventure and a little padding for protection ;)..

freckles and birth marks for sprinkles of character..

arms to hold, embrace and comfort telling you that you aren't alone..

palms to surrender and fingers to grip tight...

legs for the long journey preparing to walk, to run or just be still..

The tip of your nose to touch anothers'..

Pain to remind you that you are still alive...

My Shocking Story: Octopus Man - The Extra Limbs

This video may disturb some viewers but this is the kind of stuff that fascinates me. Especially this story!

This man was supposed to have a twin brother. Unfortunately the split of cells did not occur fully within the womb which lead to this anomaly.

These limbs protruding through his abdomen are receiving a full blood supply. I can't imagine the stress that is being put on his heart in order to get adequate circulation to these additional extremities.

How Caffeine Works

Gosh Caffeine.. tryin to pretend like your Adenosine! So sneaky.

I am sorta addicted. I love coffee. I love making it and I love the experience of having a tasty cup o joe accompanied by good conversation.

Maybe one day I'll stop drinking it. I am sure a fruit smoothie is way better for me and won't pull a fast one by pretending to be something its not!