Have you ever just taken a moment to stop and think? Think about the very present, the very space you are in at any given time? What you are doing not so much where you are going but what it is that drives the very step of your movement? So i drive myself crazy because i am almost 30 and I don't have a degree yet. I'm working towards it, wherever it leads.. Today i vowed to myself not to worry because what I am doing now is what I love. What I am doing now matters. I don't give much worth to the present because i am so preoccupied with a destination, an expectation that will one day fulfill, that will one day give me that label i have longed for. That label will give me worth.. it will give me something to wake up for in the morning. But why not now? Why not embrace the work I do that makes me hardly 2 dimes to rub together.. but it brings me joy. I was brushing my teeth and it came to me suddenly like a gush of super tingly mouthwash. haha.. I love the feeling of training women to work hard, to love their bodies, to achieve goals they never thought they could. I love helping them stretch out the pain the inhibits their bodies to just breathe. Last Saturday I taught a Yilates class. Yoga and Pilates mixed with a Buddha boot camp funky twist. I think i'm gonna brand that name. :) I AM doing something i love. But for some reason I sell it short. I believe transitions are opportunities. The older I get, the more I realize I am walking into the very things that I love. The Universe is a magnetic force that teaches me to trust. And to trust myself. To choose my path. I ate a fortune cookie last week that said "choose your path". Ok, ok.. i need to listen. Why am i writing this? Well, school has always been a struggle for me. I tend to be really interested in things that make no money. The pressure from a struggling economy leaves me extremely worried about not having a solid job in a seemingly "promising field". In this case, health care. Nursing. I'm a bit worried about this semester. I am always worried EVERY semester because I am usually right at the borderline of pass/fail. So... I will update in a few days. Then I will know the outcome. Forward movement isn't just passing, it's also choosing.

Adele - Rolling In The Deep

another good ol song from Adele. i can't help but think of drag queens walking down runways with their fake locks flowing in the wind. ha!!

Missy Higgins-Secret (Lyrics + Download)

Breasts

I love womens' health and this is an interesting article on estrogen and breasts. Love your tatas. ;) whatever size. What Hormone Makes Your Breasts Grow? eHow.com

The Latest dot,dot,dot.

I just got back from teaching a group of 6-8 yr olds dance. I forgot how uninhibited kids are. They truly say the darndest things. One of the girls looked up at me while i was teaching and said.. "I see your arm pits. And there hairy." Ha! aah. shit. i forgot to shave and a little 6 yr old noticed. Another asked me how old I was and said.. "wow! You're 29 and you're not married?!" Yep. Tis true. They just stare in wonder. Gosh, kids are stinkin hillarious. I get such a kick outa watching them. It's been a while since I've written in this space. Each day really teaches and reveals. I get scared and I worry myself to death over whether or not i need to make a change or try something new or keep things the same. I have been thinking about alternative methods for my hip. I have had excruciating pain in my left hip for quite some time. I did physical therapy months back..and stretching (and that helps) but the throbbing pain continued. So i started to entertain the thought of accupunture. Eastern medicine. I know. I honestly thought it was a crock and it wouldn't work. Plus.. all I have been accustomed to is Western medicine. Pop an over the counter. Mask the pain. Just take steriods for that. No thank you. I have only been to 2 sessions and i can honestly say that the pain has significantly decreased! I have not taken a single anti-inflammatory med. Nada. and i hardly feel any pain. So I am glad i tried. I will continue. And I am excited to walk and run and dance and even sit without pain. So about everyday teaching and revealing.. I realized that if I can silently tune into myself the answers may come. They may not come in the form or exact words i expected. See that's the thing. Too much of my focus is on expectation. I expect for the outcome to reveal something significantly direct. But what if the answer is just sit. What if the answer is.. go about your day and teach and enjoy wonderful kids that somehow re-ignite a passion or desire within that has been placed on hold. What if a decision is just a decision. If you can take the words "right or wrong" out of the picture would you trust yourself more? would the pressure be taken off so then you can move? Make? Do? Believe? Believing in yourself just a bit more. Ripping off a label thats been identifying you for a good long while. Definitely something to think about.

Whatever comes to mind

I feel inspired today. Being in a different setting always stirs up good things within me. A space.
with noise i create. not the noise that rings a loud high pitched sound accompanied by fox news in the background ..a continuous new commentary of how fucked up our nation is.

ah. well beats antique in the background. an emotional emancipation of sorts. and i write.

Finding your way to your center.
what does that look like?
to be grounded in your being. the Ground of Being. just being.
a mix of splendid and frightening. lets begin with the splendid.
and as the frightening is approached. "rather than struggling against it, surrender into it"

and the current? the current of our lives. this rings true with regards to the pursuit (my, your, our pursuit) of authenticity
"those who swim with the current finish...
those who swim with the current finish dead...
those who swim with the current finish dead to
what might have been
if they swam against it."

balance.
the core. the nucleus. the driver. the answer or the question.

awareness.
a stone. a taste. a representation of purification. a nearness you feel with oneself and others.

A vigorous cry

The sound of life. A loud cry.
I've been hearing this for the past 3 weeks. Piercing and loud. haha.
The Ballard test determines the baby's maturity in comparison to their gestation. So one assessment being "a vigorous cry" gets a score of 5! thats a good thing.

So today I got to see a cesarean section (c-section). the entire process!! Epidural, incision, baby ...placenta. Unreal. I am still thinking about it!

oh, and want to know something suprising? A med student that was with us in the OR fainted. Seriously. so i ran over to her when she took her fall to make sure she was conscious. The doctors continued with the procedure as if nothing had occured.

It made me proud to be a nurse in training...helping a doctor in training.

Babies are insane. a miracle. and so are moms. I dont know if this is the area i want to work in but i sure love being in the operating room. this was the first time for me.

Everyone works as a team. A circulating nurse making sure everyone is where they need to be and supplies are available. A respitory therapist ready when the baby is born to assess the airway. A nurse anesthetist administering anesthesia..

So much happening!

And then there's me. haha. just standing in awe, watching, wondering, anxiously waiting, wishing i was working as a nurse already. But im in an operating room! Im seeing a baby being brought to life! A vigorous cry that signifies life and breath.