Missy Higgins-Secret (Lyrics + Download)

Breasts

I love womens' health and this is an interesting article on estrogen and breasts. Love your tatas. ;) whatever size. What Hormone Makes Your Breasts Grow? eHow.com

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I just got back from teaching a group of 6-8 yr olds dance. I forgot how uninhibited kids are. They truly say the darndest things. One of the girls looked up at me while i was teaching and said.. "I see your arm pits. And there hairy." Ha! aah. shit. i forgot to shave and a little 6 yr old noticed. Another asked me how old I was and said.. "wow! You're 29 and you're not married?!" Yep. Tis true. They just stare in wonder. Gosh, kids are stinkin hillarious. I get such a kick outa watching them. It's been a while since I've written in this space. Each day really teaches and reveals. I get scared and I worry myself to death over whether or not i need to make a change or try something new or keep things the same. I have been thinking about alternative methods for my hip. I have had excruciating pain in my left hip for quite some time. I did physical therapy months back..and stretching (and that helps) but the throbbing pain continued. So i started to entertain the thought of accupunture. Eastern medicine. I know. I honestly thought it was a crock and it wouldn't work. Plus.. all I have been accustomed to is Western medicine. Pop an over the counter. Mask the pain. Just take steriods for that. No thank you. I have only been to 2 sessions and i can honestly say that the pain has significantly decreased! I have not taken a single anti-inflammatory med. Nada. and i hardly feel any pain. So I am glad i tried. I will continue. And I am excited to walk and run and dance and even sit without pain. So about everyday teaching and revealing.. I realized that if I can silently tune into myself the answers may come. They may not come in the form or exact words i expected. See that's the thing. Too much of my focus is on expectation. I expect for the outcome to reveal something significantly direct. But what if the answer is just sit. What if the answer is.. go about your day and teach and enjoy wonderful kids that somehow re-ignite a passion or desire within that has been placed on hold. What if a decision is just a decision. If you can take the words "right or wrong" out of the picture would you trust yourself more? would the pressure be taken off so then you can move? Make? Do? Believe? Believing in yourself just a bit more. Ripping off a label thats been identifying you for a good long while. Definitely something to think about.

Whatever comes to mind

I feel inspired today. Being in a different setting always stirs up good things within me. A space.
with noise i create. not the noise that rings a loud high pitched sound accompanied by fox news in the background ..a continuous new commentary of how fucked up our nation is.

ah. well beats antique in the background. an emotional emancipation of sorts. and i write.

Finding your way to your center.
what does that look like?
to be grounded in your being. the Ground of Being. just being.
a mix of splendid and frightening. lets begin with the splendid.
and as the frightening is approached. "rather than struggling against it, surrender into it"

and the current? the current of our lives. this rings true with regards to the pursuit (my, your, our pursuit) of authenticity
"those who swim with the current finish...
those who swim with the current finish dead...
those who swim with the current finish dead to
what might have been
if they swam against it."

balance.
the core. the nucleus. the driver. the answer or the question.

awareness.
a stone. a taste. a representation of purification. a nearness you feel with oneself and others.

A vigorous cry

The sound of life. A loud cry.
I've been hearing this for the past 3 weeks. Piercing and loud. haha.
The Ballard test determines the baby's maturity in comparison to their gestation. So one assessment being "a vigorous cry" gets a score of 5! thats a good thing.

So today I got to see a cesarean section (c-section). the entire process!! Epidural, incision, baby ...placenta. Unreal. I am still thinking about it!

oh, and want to know something suprising? A med student that was with us in the OR fainted. Seriously. so i ran over to her when she took her fall to make sure she was conscious. The doctors continued with the procedure as if nothing had occured.

It made me proud to be a nurse in training...helping a doctor in training.

Babies are insane. a miracle. and so are moms. I dont know if this is the area i want to work in but i sure love being in the operating room. this was the first time for me.

Everyone works as a team. A circulating nurse making sure everyone is where they need to be and supplies are available. A respitory therapist ready when the baby is born to assess the airway. A nurse anesthetist administering anesthesia..

So much happening!

And then there's me. haha. just standing in awe, watching, wondering, anxiously waiting, wishing i was working as a nurse already. But im in an operating room! Im seeing a baby being brought to life! A vigorous cry that signifies life and breath.

Choice

This word evokes so much within me.
I tend to be a thinker and dwell in the thought which delays me making a choice. Or its the very undoing of that choice. I often do not want to make the choice in fear of making the wrong one. In fear of getting severly hurt or hurting someone. In fear of failing and regretting it.
I told myself that 2011 is about me being bold and just making things happen..

How do i know the choice i'm making is the right one? How do i know its wrong?
I think we know a lot more than we think we do.
There is a song by Ray LaMontagne that says "the answer...is within you."

My mom told me yesterday her choices are driven by her faith combined with her fierce determination. She goes after it. She believes it will happen and if its not meant to be she trusts that God will reveal.

My dear friend said these words last night that resonated so deep within me.
"what is the fruit of any choice? Does it bear fruit of kindness, gentleness, goodness, love, patience, joy..ect? Or are the results of the choice opposite by bearing hate, lies, selfishness, sadness to self or to others?

Another friend of mine said the other day; "if its not a hell yes, then its a hell no!"

I also think with choice there comes a certain trust. A trust within yourself and your surroundings. I want to trust myself enough to be able to choose. I want to love myself enough to be able to make the right choice.

A new year

Is it really 2011? Feels like a dream.

But it is..oh it sure is, a new year.

The famous question.. "what's your new year's resolution?"

For some reason that question always baffles me. It's something similar to that question "where do you see yourself in 5 years?" hell if I know.

I never know how to answer. Oh but i try. I really do. Waiting my turn to be asked the infamous question, i begin to nervously conjure up thoughts, elaborating something profound in my head that would impress me and those who hear it.

If i loose weight it's probably for the wrong reasons or because I'm sick.

I want to be a bit more oganized..but i don't want to say it i just want to do it.

I would like to make A's in nursing school..but let's face it. I have to be realistic. It probably won't happen. So passing will suffice.

Taking a look back on 2010 i am reminded of a rough year.

A year that began my nursing career... having no direction..to then create it along the way as a result of being thrown into something that has taught me a great deal about myself and life already.

Heart breaks. hmm yes. Can we all say amen to that?

I like to think that i can be pretty damn resilient..but this year was filled with some challenging let downs that i tried so hard to package up and put away but then found them re-opening yet again with different faces.

But as hard as that can be... i don't want to spend too much time trying to understand it. I just shake hands with it. Bow my head to it. Make peace with it.. and say thank you. Thank you oh great teacher. Then move on.

My favorite part of "Happy new year" is the word "new" .

I am ready for new. Ready for the newness this season has for me and me for it.

What is my new years resolution?

Continue. Evolve.

Continue doing what I am doing. Going to school.. getting closer to my degree..tasting that sweet credential of RN behind my name.

Evolve.

Within the realm of consistency. Yes success is wonderful. A goal is great. But being exactly who I am as is..careful not to be emeshed or attached to an identity (like an RN..)

Sharing that sort of reciprocity between the two.

So here we go.

Go. do. be. create. love. smile. feel. breathe.

it can all be different in 5 minutes. it can all be new.

Feliz. New. Year

:)