Whatever comes to mind

I feel inspired today. Being in a different setting always stirs up good things within me. A space.
with noise i create. not the noise that rings a loud high pitched sound accompanied by fox news in the background ..a continuous new commentary of how fucked up our nation is.

ah. well beats antique in the background. an emotional emancipation of sorts. and i write.

Finding your way to your center.
what does that look like?
to be grounded in your being. the Ground of Being. just being.
a mix of splendid and frightening. lets begin with the splendid.
and as the frightening is approached. "rather than struggling against it, surrender into it"

and the current? the current of our lives. this rings true with regards to the pursuit (my, your, our pursuit) of authenticity
"those who swim with the current finish...
those who swim with the current finish dead...
those who swim with the current finish dead to
what might have been
if they swam against it."

balance.
the core. the nucleus. the driver. the answer or the question.

awareness.
a stone. a taste. a representation of purification. a nearness you feel with oneself and others.

A vigorous cry

The sound of life. A loud cry.
I've been hearing this for the past 3 weeks. Piercing and loud. haha.
The Ballard test determines the baby's maturity in comparison to their gestation. So one assessment being "a vigorous cry" gets a score of 5! thats a good thing.

So today I got to see a cesarean section (c-section). the entire process!! Epidural, incision, baby ...placenta. Unreal. I am still thinking about it!

oh, and want to know something suprising? A med student that was with us in the OR fainted. Seriously. so i ran over to her when she took her fall to make sure she was conscious. The doctors continued with the procedure as if nothing had occured.

It made me proud to be a nurse in training...helping a doctor in training.

Babies are insane. a miracle. and so are moms. I dont know if this is the area i want to work in but i sure love being in the operating room. this was the first time for me.

Everyone works as a team. A circulating nurse making sure everyone is where they need to be and supplies are available. A respitory therapist ready when the baby is born to assess the airway. A nurse anesthetist administering anesthesia..

So much happening!

And then there's me. haha. just standing in awe, watching, wondering, anxiously waiting, wishing i was working as a nurse already. But im in an operating room! Im seeing a baby being brought to life! A vigorous cry that signifies life and breath.

Choice

This word evokes so much within me.
I tend to be a thinker and dwell in the thought which delays me making a choice. Or its the very undoing of that choice. I often do not want to make the choice in fear of making the wrong one. In fear of getting severly hurt or hurting someone. In fear of failing and regretting it.
I told myself that 2011 is about me being bold and just making things happen..

How do i know the choice i'm making is the right one? How do i know its wrong?
I think we know a lot more than we think we do.
There is a song by Ray LaMontagne that says "the answer...is within you."

My mom told me yesterday her choices are driven by her faith combined with her fierce determination. She goes after it. She believes it will happen and if its not meant to be she trusts that God will reveal.

My dear friend said these words last night that resonated so deep within me.
"what is the fruit of any choice? Does it bear fruit of kindness, gentleness, goodness, love, patience, joy..ect? Or are the results of the choice opposite by bearing hate, lies, selfishness, sadness to self or to others?

Another friend of mine said the other day; "if its not a hell yes, then its a hell no!"

I also think with choice there comes a certain trust. A trust within yourself and your surroundings. I want to trust myself enough to be able to choose. I want to love myself enough to be able to make the right choice.

A new year

Is it really 2011? Feels like a dream.

But it is..oh it sure is, a new year.

The famous question.. "what's your new year's resolution?"

For some reason that question always baffles me. It's something similar to that question "where do you see yourself in 5 years?" hell if I know.

I never know how to answer. Oh but i try. I really do. Waiting my turn to be asked the infamous question, i begin to nervously conjure up thoughts, elaborating something profound in my head that would impress me and those who hear it.

If i loose weight it's probably for the wrong reasons or because I'm sick.

I want to be a bit more oganized..but i don't want to say it i just want to do it.

I would like to make A's in nursing school..but let's face it. I have to be realistic. It probably won't happen. So passing will suffice.

Taking a look back on 2010 i am reminded of a rough year.

A year that began my nursing career... having no direction..to then create it along the way as a result of being thrown into something that has taught me a great deal about myself and life already.

Heart breaks. hmm yes. Can we all say amen to that?

I like to think that i can be pretty damn resilient..but this year was filled with some challenging let downs that i tried so hard to package up and put away but then found them re-opening yet again with different faces.

But as hard as that can be... i don't want to spend too much time trying to understand it. I just shake hands with it. Bow my head to it. Make peace with it.. and say thank you. Thank you oh great teacher. Then move on.

My favorite part of "Happy new year" is the word "new" .

I am ready for new. Ready for the newness this season has for me and me for it.

What is my new years resolution?

Continue. Evolve.

Continue doing what I am doing. Going to school.. getting closer to my degree..tasting that sweet credential of RN behind my name.

Evolve.

Within the realm of consistency. Yes success is wonderful. A goal is great. But being exactly who I am as is..careful not to be emeshed or attached to an identity (like an RN..)

Sharing that sort of reciprocity between the two.

So here we go.

Go. do. be. create. love. smile. feel. breathe.

it can all be different in 5 minutes. it can all be new.

Feliz. New. Year

:)

Adele Crazy For You BBC Radio 6

oh ya girl, sing it.

a song. a process. she.

Prophylaxis

I get it! I can understand what i'm reading!
Second time around perhaps is the charm?
Or is it because i took a shot of vitamins this morning?
I am prophylactically treating myself with a power house of vitamins since all the signs and symptoms of a cold are manifesting trying to attack this host. Not a chance i say. Well i think it's working. And i think one of the side affects is hyperfocus-sation. haha.

what am i thinking these days? besides school and anxiously anticipating the end of this bloody semester (no pun intended) my thoughts often are occupied with things such as life and learning and how to get through. what seasons bring and what seasons take and what to do in between.

in between.


i love what Emily Dickinson says.."Where thou art, that is home"

even if its an unsettling place? an emotionally challenging adventure? A painful process of learning a lot about oneself... and finding yourself shouting back to the Universe.. OK! i get it! alright.

Or..i don't get it..

I was also reminded of this verse today. it just popped in my head. I love the bible among other pieces of literature for it's poetic and profound writings that truly do bring comfort. to me at least.

I've been thinking about time. so of course this verse i pursued.

Ecclesiastes 3
"For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:
a time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
a time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
a time to seek, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
a time to tear, and a time to sew;
a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
a time to love, and a time to hate;
a time for war, and a time for peace. "


i think of time as life.. not just giving life time..but giving time LIFE.
so that maybe our soul can... like Dickinson also writes; " stand ajar, ready to welcome the ecstatic experience.