It's called the Ocean

this is becoming a favorite place
where the sand is purifying
where the wind is grace

i get so lost in the white and blue
the rays peak out provoking something new

it's called the ocean
where troubles fade
it's called the ocean
cast your cares away
and the horizon seems to have no end
it's called the ocean
i think this is heaven


this ocean brings
healing
this ocean brings
new meaning
encapsulating
doubt it fades
when i'm here
when i'm here

~this song was inspired by my adventure to the beach today.

nature is my spiritual...

The waiting area and a plethora of thoughts

It seriously takes like a day to recover from a full 12 hour clinical day at the hospital. I tell myself every week, "i'll just switch out these scrubs for some shorts and go for an invigorating run, or perhaps some relaxing hatha yoga." and every week it doesn't happen. I am so exhausted i can't even think straight. Will i always be this tired? Will my body get use to this? This won't last forever right? This is just part of school..
Maybe a paycheck will change things..

Then my roommate comes home from her shift. We talk and catch eachother up on our days.. then there is silence. She's out.
She's been a nurse for 6 years. ha. oh dear.

It's the days in between you try to recover from a long shift to then do it all over again the next day.. I guess that's life.

Today i taught 2 classes. You know, i take for granted the fact that i am a part of an amazing studio with wonderful women and a team of instructors. It's taken me 10 years to appreciate it. I'm sure that's due to the fact that the business has been a part of our family for so long. Well, as i get older i see things a little differently. It's a great place to be. I am thankful my mom has passed that down. Not so much the business but the atmosphere, the exposure.

When I am not teaching a jazzercise class, I sit with the women in the waiting area and just watch them. I get this thrill in just observing others. I listen to what the have to say.... converstations all consisting of their husbands or children, lot's about work, some about dates they've been on, or how they've lost a bunch of weight and then gained it all back.
But today there was one specific topic. Depression. Sometimes people are just depressed. It effects so much and so much about them is effected by it.
So as i was listening, i of course thought... jeez, i wish i could have credentials behind my name so i can help women emotionally with these types of issues.
make it a part of my career somehow.

Nursing and Psychology. hmm. now there's an idea. Wait, but i want to eventually teach. Or do I? How long am I going to be in school?
I've been on this kick of questioning whether or not i should be a nurse. It's been a tail spin of thoughts and possible scenerios. and i seriously feel like i have to make a decision everyday about it. I'm not the quickest thinker.. and damn these tests of "what is the best or first or most appropriate action" is a killer. Can't we just figure out when we start working?!
but you know, pass or fail, i know more today then i did yesterday.

So back to the ladies at jazzercise. One of them walked in to take my class, and she happens to be a nurse. 17 years ago she went to valencia. And she had Mrs Forehand!!! who so happens to be the unforgettably acclaimed and highly respected nursing 2 professor. Watch out.

Well anyways, she told me.. i remember Melissa. like it was yesterday. The early mornings, the nausea in my stomach, the nutri-grain bars (she can't eat them to this day), the smell of Liz Claiborne "sunflowers" parfume (which she also can't wear to this day). The semester i moved home cause i couldn't afford a damn thing.. (boy does that sound familiar)
You'll get through it.
17 years ago...

I guess that's the answer..
Through.
Robert Frost says something about that... "The only way out is through."

Balance

I love this picture.

Being that i love yoga, the human body and desire to live in balance this picture encompasses these things..

balance. it takes strength.
it takes consistancy.
requires patience.
and eachother.

it's an inhalation of intention and an exhalation of surrender.

it's a clean car. especially mine since it's usually a mess.
it's budgeting when you actually have money to budget.
it's simplicity.

it's living in tension. do you think balance is always comfortable? hmm. probably not most of the time.
but it leads to peace. and that path usually is accompanied with detours and pauses or steps back or something completely unexpected. perhaps a season of question in itself.
it's the peace that passeth all understanding.
although questioning is good.. and teaches.. and changes, there are some questions that i should probably stop asking.

i just really like that feeling of surrender. this year has taught me that.
to live in balance for me is to let go.. but balance is also living. living means every moment. every encounter. every person.

you know what balance feels like?
for me at least.

There is/was a plan.
That plan didn't go according to plan.
from my experience there are many different outcomes this can take..
but somehow balance comes in... personifies itself in my life.
and the sun still shines. the wind still blows. the trees remain rooted.
life keeps going. and goodness and joy find me.

but i have to allow it. i have to open myself up to it. change my perspective and invite the change that change brings.

balance is one day at a time.
so today i pray for balance. i pray for the peace that passeth all understanding. everything else is in tomorrows' hands.

The Best of Jackass

Ha. these dudes are insane. and funny.

paracentesis

Today at the hospital i had the opportunity to go with my patient down to radiology for a paracentesis. I had never seen this done before so i was excited to observe and assist.

They were able to withdraw over 5,ooo ml of fluid straight from his abdomen.

What exactly is a paracentesis?

"Paracentesis is a procedure to take out fluid that has accumulated in the peritoneal area. This build up is called ascites. Ascites can be caused by infection, inflammation, an injury or other conditions such as cirrhosis or cancer. " webmd.com

The procedure i observed was almost identical to this video.

Lovers Song

inspired by two people in love. :)

your the sprinkles of

goodness in my life

your companion your joy

you lighten my heart

you are really smart

you are laughter and tears

you are missed when your

not around but

it makes seeing you more sweet

you are different but

not so different and

your mystery captivates me

so let's do this thing

like forever and

teach eachother about life and love

Mistakes

this weekend was special, bittersweet, and of course thought provoking. adventure has a way of summoning thoughts.

changing them. changing you. creating them.

creating.

my dear sweet friend is getting married.

the dress..the most beautiful dreamy dress was fitted. and it was just that... dreamy and beautiful.

so we had this little adventure of a trip. we always make it an adventure. i love adventures with her.

there is something about traveling.. whether the distance be long or short, there is so much to gain and experience when you go somewhere.

I remember as a little girl having this deep longing to travel. i would play pretend that i was in a movie on this amazing expedition and becoming something because of it.

i can't really say there are specific places i have to see.. but all i know is i want to see.

every single time, without fail, there is this "journey" theme almost like a default that pops in my head. a trip is a journey. a trip evokes. it's an escape but it's also a reminder.

i was reminded of a lot.

love.

life.

mistakes.

they seem to interlace with one another.

my sister has this book on her night stand. everytime i come over i see it, i contimplate opening it, reading it, but its so cumbersome and big i just leave it right there and then walk away. but this last time i decided to peek inside.

the book is called "Drops like Stars" by Rob Bell. I like him. I've read all of his books, except for this one.

there's this one section called "The Art of Failure"

hmm. ok, i continue reading.

he talks about failure giving us the opportunity to become:

bitter or better

closed or open

more ignorant or more aware

more or less tuned in to the thousands upon thousands of gifts we are surrounded with every single moment of every single day.

and so it goes. this trip of course reminded me of this. whether it be in love, relationships, a former way of being, believing and living.

i've made a lot of mistakes. and it's very difficult a lot of times to move beyond the thoughts of; damn it..what the fleep was i thinking? why did i do that? why did i say that? why did i hurt them? i should have.. or may i could have...but i didn't.

we give other's grace but we forget to give that to ourselves. and when you don't you get stuck. stuck in something that keeps you from learning and living. LIVING... because its the only way to learn.

her dress reminded me of beginning." Let love begin again."

i heard that in church a couple of weeks ago.

during our time in St. Pete, which is a town I absolutely love and am very tempted to move to, we stumbled across a folk festival. we were all over this like white on rice.

above are some pictures of art from the festival that of course captured my attention.